Getting You Home On Friday

Intro:
(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 009 - Dry, Dry, Just Not in Question Time)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Paranormal Patrol, Lady Loosely Head, E9)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND
SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: In the last incredibly enthralling episode of Paranormal Patrol, Buster
became the victim of yet another chairing.

CHAIR HITTING HEAD.

BUSTER: Aaaaahrhhghhh.

GHOST: Twenty-six, hehehehhehe.

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: Jean and Petra offered Buster some team comfort at his plight.

PETRA: You really are an idiot.

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: And Pete and John try to provoke Lady Loosley's head.

JOHN AND PETE: You put your left hand in, you put your left hand out....

VOICE OVER: What more awaits the team at the old abandoned gaol of Lady
Loosley's Head?

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: (ASIDE) Pete and I were trying to provoke Lady Loosley's head, but we
weren't getting much of a response, so we decided to try something
different.

SCARY MUSIC.

Pete?

PETE: Yes John.

JOHN: This isn't working. How about we try something different?

PETE: Like going home?

JOHN: If you don't want us to be here, just tell us and we'll leave.

PETE: Oooh, I like this idea.

JOHN: If you don't want us to be here tell us and we’ll leave.

HUGE WIND, KNOCKING ON WALLS, WAILING AND A VOICE.

LADY LOOSELY: Out, out, get out, leave me be!

THEN SUCTION AND A POP OF A RUBBER STOPPER IN A GLASS.

JOHN: We'll that's good enough for me.

PETE: Agreed.

FEET RUNNING AWAY.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: (ASIDE) Pete and I were in the room where they found Lady Loosley's
head and we were having problems getting any sort of communication going. So finally we
asked if Lady Loosley wanted us all gone, all she had to do was to make it obvious. And you
know she did, so true to my word, we went.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Did you hear that?

JEAN: What?

PETRA: I don't know. It sounded kind of like a tempest with wailing and a
female voice ordering someone out.

JEAN: Really?

PETRA: I could've been mistaken babes, my mind does wander from time to
time. Haven’t been the same since the possession in 2014.

FEET RUNNING TOWARDS MIC, THEY STOP AND THEN HEAVY
BREATHING.

PETRA: So how did your effort to taunt Lady Loosley's Head go?

JOHN: Really well.

PETE: Really, really well. In fact on a scale of one to ten we
topped a fifteen.

JEAN: Excellent.

JOHN: What happened to you Buster?

BUSTER: I was down in the….

PETE: Ooooh look, Doowdrah Eniuneg.

JOHN: Genuine Hardwood, backwards... you were hit by another chair.

BUSTER: I was not!

(BEAT)

It may have well been the same stool that hit me last time.

SCARY MUSIC.

JEAN, PETRA, PETE AND JOHN: (LAUGHING)

BUSTER: It wasn't funny.

JOHN: Maybe that will teach you not to go out on your own.

SCARY MUSIC.

I really think we did a good job of taunting Lady Loosley.

PETE: Oh it worked, alright. My goodness, if I was a cat I'd only have eight
lives left and I could lick my own nipples.

JEAN: I'm not a cat and I can…

PETRA: Not here Jean.

BUSTER: No, no, no, please, continue, unless you’d like me to lick them for you.

SLAP.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: John, Pete, we managed to catch a really good shot of the Entrance
Door Apparition on the Thicc Boi. I’m pretty sure it goes a long way to
explaining the slamming sound, the screams and the swearing. Want
a peak?

TAPE BUTTON BEING PRESSED.

ALL: (BURST OUT LAUGHING)

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: That is brilliant.

PETRA: Isn't it? I’d love this for the socials.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: (ASIDE) Petra showed us the capture on the Thermonuclear Camera.
The best way that I can describe it is that it clearly shows the image of
a soldier in 1850s period dress opening the door, then shutting it,
catching his thumb in the door jam. He then screams and starts to
swear. Just, just brilliant footage.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Its gold babes, pure gold.

JEAN: I think it is a residual type ghost that keeps replaying the same scene
over and over.

PETE: It's that or he's a masochist.

WIND PICKING UP

Umm, do you think we went overboard with taunting Lady Loosley's
head?

LADY: Out, out! Get the hell out!

DOORS SLAMMING. CHAINS RATTLING. SCREAMS.

PETE: Okay, yeah, darlings, I think we should call it quits tonight...

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: So the old abandoned gaol of Lady Loosley's Head, has Lady Loosleys
Loose head on the loose driving the team into a tactical panic.

In the next episode's titillating episode, John and Pete go over the
findings of their night in the gaol with the gaol's caretaker Marry
Widda who's taking care not to care about the takings, after Petra,
Jean and Buster review the evidence on the tapes.

PETRA: Oh I can watch this all day.

JEAN: Buster and the stool?

PETRA: Yep...

VOICE OVER: So, join us next time for Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT.

(Question Time, The Importance of Free Speech)

THEME SONG WITH V/O.

V/O: Now to the House of Representatives for Question Time.

REPORTER: We cross now live to the hallowed corridors of power. Today we bring
you the Lower House for Question Time; a brief comic interlude for
the amusement of foreign diplomats and schoolchildren.

RABBLE AND GENERAL CHAMBER NOISE.

SPEAKER: Order, order.

RABBLE DIES DOWN BUT STILL PERSISTS.

Order.....Would the Honourable Member for Passabuck please stop
doing that? He knows full well that the dispatch box will rust up.

RABBLE BECOMES SILENT.

Now, Deputy Prime Minister, you have been speaking for a full five
minutes now and although I cannot tell you how to answer a
question, I feel that you have not addressed it sufficiently. Do you or
do you not want a cup of coffee?

HOUSE STORMS, CRIES ETC.

DEPUTY PM: These unnecessary restrictions on my freedom of speech are a deliberate......

SPEAKER: Order, order..... Would the Deputy Prime Minister please be seated?
I would like to remind the Deputy Prime Minister that you have ten
seconds to answer the question.

QUIETENS DOWN.

SPEAKER: Deputy Prime Minister.

DEPUTY PM: Thank you, Madam Speaker.

SPEAKER: That's good enough for me. One coffee for the Deputy PM. Now,
moving on.. Wait, a supplementary question from the member of
Kickatin…

RABBLE.

Wait, wait. Is this a supplementary question about milk and sugar?

KICKATIN: Yes, Madam Speaker.

RABBLE CONTINUES.

SPEAKER: Order, order..... the member has as much right to be heard as anyone.
Now where were we..?

KICKATIN: A question of milk.

SPEAKER: Shut up.

ROAR AND RABBLE SILENCES.

Order, order. Would the Honourable Member for Wotajob please
return the Honourable Member for Crumbly Down's pen and desist
from running in the chamber? You know it will all end in tears.

ROAR AND RABBLE. FADE OUT.

(Ed & Ted, Dry, Dry!)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Click go the sheers boys, click, click, click.... and one slip and rams
become redundant. Ahhh, the beautiful outback, sunny one day,
drought the next. On a quiet morning, you can hear the little bunnies
giving up the ghost.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow are yeh?

TED: Fair ta middlin'.

(PAUSE)

An' you?

ED: Not bad. Not bad.

TED: Bit dry.

ED: Dry?

TED: Real dry.

ED: An' 'ot!

TED: Dry an' ‘ot.

ED: Ruddy drought!

TED: Dry an' hot all right. 'aven't seen a blessed cloud in a month o'Sund'ys.

ED: Yep, she's been dry an' 'ot.

TED: Real dry.

ED: Eh, Ted?

TED: Yeah?

ED: 'ow long is a month o' Mund'ys?

TED: Oh, long time.

ED: Long time?

TED: Yeah. 'bout as long as a month o' Sund'ys.

ED: Strueth. A long time.

TED: Ruddy drought!

ED: Dry, real dry, all right.

TED: An' 'ot!

ED: That too.

TED: We've taken to sunscreenin' the yabbies up the dam.

ED: That right?

TED: Too right........ Dry.

ED: Dry all right. This mornin' we 'ad 'ard boiled eggs.

TED: What's so special 'bout that?

ED: Straight out the chook?

TED: Strueth, dry.

ED: An' 'ot.

TED: Yeah.

ED: Ruddy drought.

TED: It's so dry we've taken ta wringing out the washing to get somethin'
for a cuppa.

ED: That right?

TED: Yeah, dry.

(PAUSE)

ED: Ted?

TED: Yes, cobber?

ED: Didn't yer say last week that you were recyclin' yer urine to wash yer
clothin'?

TED: Yeah.

(PAUSE)

Makes for a crook cuppa!

ED: Too right.

WHIP CRACK.
THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Thomas Taufan, Hester van der Vyver, Nate
Gothard, Linda Chong, Cheng

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones