Getting You Home On Friday

Intro:
(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 008 - My Precious Doowdrah Eniuneg)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Short Skit, Power Corrupts)

GENTLE HARP AND SYNTH SOUNDS PLAY UNDER:

PM: Its mine, all power is mine, with this ring I can control you all. You are all my slaves and will do as
I say, hahahahahahahaha

REPORTER: And that was the address from the newly elected Prime Minister.

(On the Roman Nose, Barbarians)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEER, TROOPS MARCHING.

CAESAR: Well Sensus, what a day it's been!

SENSUS: Indeed, my Lord. We haven't had a day like this in a bronze age.

FEET RUNNING ON MARBLE THAT THEN BREAKS INTO TAP
DANCING, "SHAVE AND HAIR CUT, TWO BITS."

SENSUS: May I present your new messenger, Fedux.

CAESAR: Ah, Fedux, speak!

FEDUX: I bring news to Great Caesar from France.

CAESAR: Where?

SENSUS: France, my Lord, large country to the West on the way to the Anglo
Isle. They have breadsticks, frogs and snails.

CAESAR: Ah yes, the great comedy trio. Speak now Fedux.

FEDUX: Your commander-in-chief of the French provinces, Primas, sends you
this scroll.

STRUGGLE AND THEN "POP".

FEDUX: Sorry, my Lord, I don't usually keep it there.

SENSUS: Understood, it must have made riding difficult.

FEDUX: You don't know the half of it!

CAESAR: Read it and get to the point, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes my Lord. To my Lord Caesar..... greetings and salutations.. etc, etc
may your orgies be long and fruitful...etc, etc...ah, here we are... I have the great misfortune to
inform your Lordship that I have lost a small province in France.

CAESAR: The gall!

SENSUS: He doesn't specify, but it could be.

CAESAR: Was he outnumbered?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: By how many?

SENSUS: A full house to his two pairs.

CAESAR: Good gods.

SENSUS: What would you order, my Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Send Maxamillion Aird to take his place and bring Primas back.

SENSUS: Shall we prepare the lions, my Lord?

CAESAR: No, Sensus. We shall teach Primas, poker face.

SENSUS: This seems very lenient my Lord.

CAESAR: It depends on which poker you use.

SENSUS: Very well my Lord. I will prepare the papers. Fedux, wait in the anti
chamber until we need you further.

FEDUX: How much further?

SENSUS: France and back.

FEDUX: Very good, my Lord.

FEET RUNNING AWAY.

CAESAR: It can only get better.... who's next?

SENSUS: Markus Rectus Rectum.

CAESAR: Very well, call Markus Rectus Rectum.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Calling Markus Rectus Rectum, Rectus Rectum report to
Lord Caesar. Come in from behind please, Markus.

MARKUS RUNNING GETTING CLOSER.

CAESAR & SENSUS: Get that fixed.....

STOPPING WITH A SCREECH.

CAESAR: Good gods, is that your skid mark?

MARKUS: No, it was my shoes.

SENSUS: What news do you bring?

MARKUS: We have commenced erecting the wall to separate the Scots my Lord.

CAESAR: I heard that you simply took the enclosure from around Dublin.

MARKUS: I take o'ffence!

CAESAR: Exactly.

CROWD CHEER.

CAESAR: Now tell me more about these Scots you fear.

MARKUS: They have a strange and peculiar tongue.

CAESAR: And?

MARKUS: I can't understand what they say, either.

CAESAR: And their system of governance?

MARKUS: Well my Lord. They hold land in common.

CAESAR: Incredible.

MARKUS: They have no slaves, with every man, woman and child being free.

CAESAR: Astounding.

MARKUS: More than this, women are held in high esteem.

CAESAR: Good gods!

MARKUS: Their leaders are responsible to the people.

CAESAR: No!

MARKUS: And they have no blood sports.

CAESAR: No lions, no gladiators?

MARKUS: None my Lord.

CAESAR: Barbarians!

MARKUS: Exactly my Lord.

THEME OUT.

(Paranormal Patrol, Lady Loosely's Head, E8)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: On the last episode of Paranormal Patrol, John and Pete tried to get
Lady Loosely's Head to head butt the E.M.F meter.

SCARY MUSIC.

Petra and Jean found something amusing near the front door as Buster looks on from
The Command Centre in this episode of Paranormal Patrol.

SCARY MUSIC.

BUSTER: Ooh, yeah baby, move it Jean, you wiggle that little…

(ASIDE) I was in the command centre keeping a paternal eye on the
team when I noticed that the camera we had in the cell, where the stool hit me, had switched
off. It shouldn't have, it had new batteries, plenty of tape and was still within warranty.

SCARY MUSIC.

I decided to go down and investigate. I know that our rules say that
we need to go in pairs, but as the Lead Technician, I thought that it was my duty to do this.... I
am sure they would all agree and Jean would be impressed.

PETE: Just try to head butt...

JOHN: I don't see that working either, Pete.

PETE: And why not?

JOHN: Well, there's no waist. I mean how can you give a good Liverpool kiss
without using the waist?

PETE: That's a point. Maybe she could bat an eyelid or something.

JOHN: How about just rolling onto it?

PETE: Oooh, look!

JOHN: Did you see that?

SCARY MUSIC.

It lit up.

PETE: Oooh, it did.

JOHN: Did you do that?

PETE: It lit up again!

JOHN: Excellent. Now if that was you could you please light it up one more
time?

(PAUSE)

PETE: Oh well two out of three.... oooohhh no there it goes again.

JOHN: Excellent. Now are you Lady Loosley's head?

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: As Pete and John ascertain who is communicating through the E.M.F,
and Petra and Jean remain crying with laughter, Buster makes his way
to the cell.

BUSTER: All right..... I am not here to hurt you. Just want to look at the
camera....here. The one that's turned off.....

CLICKING IN CELL, WALKING.

Please don't hurt me.... I'm just going to fix this....

GHOST: Twenty-five......

BUSTER: What was that?

SCARY MUSIC.

Did something say twenty-five?

BUSTER (CONT’D): (ASIDE) I was down in the cell fixing the camera as lead technician,
that's my job, when I distinctly heard a voice say twenty-five. This is
really interesting as the last time I was there I heard a similar voice
say twenty-four. And twenty five, well, that’s one more than twenty four.

GHOST: Twenty-five.

BUSTER: Twenty-five, duck and dive (CHUCKLES) …

PERSON BEING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR.

Aaaarrrghhh!

GHOST: Twenty-six, hehehehehehehe.

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING OUT. THEN SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Did you hear that?

JEAN: What?

PETRA: It sounded like Buster being hit in the head with a chair.

JEAN: Really?

SCARY MUSIC THEN FOOTSTEPS RUNNING TOWARDS.

BUSTER: Ohhh help...

PETRA: What happened?

BREATHING HEAVILY.

BUSTER: I was down in the cell fixing the camera.....

JEAN: In the cell...

PETRA: Where you were hit in the head with a stool?

BUSTER: Yeah, I had to fix a camera.

JEAN: And you went alone?

BUSTER: Pretty brave, I know, I mean I bet…

PETRA: You're an idiot.

SCARY MUSIC.

JEAN: Oh, look at this, Petra.

PETRA: Where?

JEAN: On his other cheek. Not down there!

PETRA: Oh isn't that lovely?

BUSTER: What's it say?

PETRA: Doowdrah eniuneg.

BUSTER: What the hell's that?

PETRA: Genuine Hardwood, backwards.

(BEAT)

JEAN AND PETRA: (BURST OUT LAUGHING)

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: (aside) Pete and I were in the room where they found Lady Loosley's head and we were kind of
getting answers but just to make sure it was indeed an entity we thought that it might be
trying to provoke it so that it would reveal itself.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: How about we provoke it, Pete? What's a really good way to provoke
the head?

PETE: Ask it to join in and sing the Hokey Pokey.

JOHN: What?

PETE: Think about it. (SINGING) You put your left hand in....

JOHN: Oh, that's really nasty, Pete.

PETE: Just call me Nasty Pete.

JOHN: I’d rather not.

THEME SONG IN.

VOICE OVER: So Buster wears another chair as the ghost in the cell lifts his personal
tally. Jean and Petra find Buster’s plight disturbing.

JEAN AND PETRA: (LAUGHING)

VOICE OVER: And Pete and John try to provoke the head of Lady Loosley in the
Abandoned prison at Lady Loosley's Head.

PETE & JOHN: You put your left hand in, put your left hand out....

PETE: Come on Lady Loosley get a grip, oh that's right you can't!

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: So join us next time on Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Thomas Taufan, Hester van der Vyver,
Nate Gothard, Linda Chong, Cheng.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones