Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 034 - As Long as She's Happy)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: On this week's startlingly incredible episode of Paranormal Patrol,
Petra and Jean unmask the drinking ninja and Pete and John find
something in the kitchen that just isn't kosha.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: It's just not kosha, John.

JOHN: What?

PETE: This bacon.

VOICE OVER: And Buster relives his nightmare at the Shabby Seagull Inn
overlooking the Straits of Dire, on this week’s incredibly awesome
episode of Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT. SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Jean, shall we unmask the ninja drinker?

JEAN: But why would someone dress as a ninja drinker?

PETRA: It’s a scam. Of sorts. I always wanted to be one but honestly, it feels
sort of dirty and cheap. See the ninja drinkers are specially trained
to be able to get all they want to drink without paying a cent.

JEAN: That sounds ridiculous. Is this some prank? A light hazing?

PETRA: Babe, have you ever been in a bar and looked back at your drink and
thought, babes, I didn't drink all that did I? I’m not even tipsy.

JEAN: Yes, but I thought... do you mean to say it was a ninja drinker?

PETRA: Absolutely. They account for around thirty percent of all ghost
sightings in bars. Honestly, they ruin the integrity of ghost hunting
altogether, messing with numbers and taking our booze.

JEAN: That's incredible.

PETRA: It's only when they get totally inebriated that you can catch them
falling off chairs and the like. Like this dork.

DAVE: Ohh, helloo there…where did you come from?

JEAN: Let's not unmask him, his pride may never recover.

PETRA: Sure. As much as I would like to think that I could take his mask back
as a trophy, it would be better to know that we returned him to the
wild with his people. Go on, get out!

DAVE: Oh, whose gonna make me?

PETRA: There’s a Buck and Hens night down the road with an open bar.

SOUND OF MAN RUNNING.

Too easy.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: Buster? Buster dear?

BUSTER: What, where am I?

JOHN: You're in the Cellar of the Shabby Seagull Inn overlooking the Straits
of Dire.

BUSTER: What happened?

PETE: I think you were electrocuted dear. Again.

BUSTER: Wow...

PETE: Hey John, did you see that?

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: What?

PETE: Look when I go near him, my sequins stand on end!

JOHN: Yeah. That is incredible, isn’t it? I wonder how he looks through the Thermonuclear Camera?

PETE: Ooooh there's a thought.

JOHN: I'll go get it.

(ASIDE) I had just left the cellar to get the Thermonuclear Camera
when I heard what sounded like knocking in the kitchen.

KNOCKING.

So, I went there to see what could make those types of noises. But
when I looked in the knocking stopped.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: Now Buster can you move?

BUSTER: I can't move my legs.

PETE: Not at all?

BUSTER: Nah. Should I be worried?

PETE: Well, I wouldn’t be celebrating, but I’m sure it’s nothing a little
band-aid can’t fix.

FOOTSTEPS ENTERING THE BASEMENT.

JOHN: Pete, I heard some knocking in the kitchen and when I went in, the
knocking stopped.

PETE: Could it have been the echo of your footsteps?

JOHN: That's a thought. How about you walk past the kitchen a
couple of times and I'll listen to see if it sounded like the things I was
hearing.

PETE: Okay. Back in a moment poppet.

PERSON STANDING UP.

BUSTER: Hello? Pete? John? Hello? Can you at least leave a light? A torch?

ALBERT: Hehehehehehe…

BUSTER: No! (SCREAMS)

SCARY MUSIC.

JEAN: Petra?

PETRA: Did you hear that?

JEAN: Was it you?

PETRA: Would I say, “did you hear that”, if it was?

JEAN: Good point.

PETRA: It sounded like Buster screaming. Should we head back to Command
Central?

JEAN: The van?

PETRA: That's it, and see if the video picked anything up.

JEAN: Sounds good.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: I was walking here when I heard the knocking.

PETE: Right. Were you taking big strides or baby steps?

JOHN: Does it look like I take baby steps?

CHOPPING.

PETE: What was that?

JOHN: I don't know. It sounded like it came from the kitchen. Quick.

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

JOHN: Pete, the kitchen's this way.

PETE: I know, but….

JOHN: Come back here!

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Hey Jean?

JEAN: Yes, Petra.

PETRA: I heard this on one of the microphones.

DRAGGING, THEN STOPPING, THEN DRAGGING.

JEAN: What is that?

PETRA: Well I managed to get the corresponding footage from the cellar
cameras.

TAPE BUTTON CLICK.

JEAN: Oh, isn't that incredible?

PETRA: I thought you'd appreciate that.

JEAN: Buster's dragging himself out of the cellar......

PETRA: But wait....

JEAN: Oh look, something drags him back in again.

BUSTER: (INTERCOM) Oh no please no more!

JEAN: You know, that is really good paranormal evidence.

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: So the evidence grows at the Shabby Seagull Inn overlooking the
Straits of Dire for paranormal activity. In next week's episode, Pete
comes face to face with the Lady in Blue.

PETE: Aqua.

VOICE OVER: So join us then for the next startlingly enthralling episode of
Paranormal Patrol.

(Short Skit, Ring)

PHONE RINGING.
PHONE RINGING AGAIN.
PHONE RINGING FOR A THIRD TIME.
FOOTSTEPS ON A WOODEN FLOOR FROM A DISTANCE GETTING CLOSER AS
THE PHONE RINGS ONCE MORE.
PHONE STOPS.

GUY: Damn!

(Ed & Ted, Brother Jennifer)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Ah, I've been to cities that never close down and I've been to a few
that have never really awoken. So come with me now, down that
fanciful lane to where the kookaburra sits in an old gum tree and
laughs at the jolly swagman as he tries to jump in a billabong in the
middle of a drought. He won't be Waltzing Matilda too easily for a
while!

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow are yeh?

TED: Could be worse.

ED: Could always be worse.

TED: Too right.

ED: Yep.

TED: An' 'ow are yeh?

ED: Not bad.

TED: Not bad?

ED: Not bad.

TED: 'ow's that brother of yours going with 'is... um.

ED: With 'is what?

TED: Yer brother, you know, with the, um...

ED: You mean Jennifer?

TED: That's him. 'ow's he going with his....um...

ED: ‘er sex change?

TED: Yeah, that'll do.

ED: Oh, all right I guess.

TED: Yer guess?

ED: Yeah. She's undergoing the treatment, like, next week I think.

TED: Yeh think?

ED: Yeah, I think so. She's got to 'ave it done by the end of the month, I'm
told.

TED: End of the month?

ED: Yeah, it's the cut-off point.

TED: Really?

ED: Yeah.

(PAUSE)

TED: What are they doing?

ED: Oh, just the usual thing I guess.

TED: Yer guess?

ED: Yeah.

TED: I can't quite fathom it.

ED: Oh, it took me awhile.

TED: Yeah?

ED: Yeah. Then I thought about 'ow she loves the ballet and played with
dolls an' the like.

TED: An' dressed up in dresses like.

ED: Yeah, dresses like. An' then I thought to meself, if it makes ‘er happy
then it's okay with me.

TED: Straight up and down?

ED: Yeah. True as God made little green apples.

TED: Mate, I dunno, it seems unnatural, like.

ED: What'yer mean?

TED: Well to have the whole kit an dice done and move over to the other
side.

ED: What about Aunt Jean?

TED: Who was Uncle Jack?

ED: Yeah.

TED: But it seems just wrong, like. Can't get me head around it.

ED: Yeah. I guess so.

TED: Like yah said, as long as 'e's 'appy.

ED: As long as she’s ‘appy.

(PAUSE)

TED: Ed?

ED: Yes mate.

TED: You haven't had any thoughts about, yer know?

ED: No fear mate, just not my cuppa tea.

TED: Too right.

ED: I mean, 'ere 'ave a look at this.

TED: 'ere who's this sheila?

ED: Well, that's what me sister, is gunna look like, afterwards.

TED: Afterwards?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Strueth.

ED: Yeah, not wrong, strueth.

(PAUSE)

TED: So, Ed?

ED: Yes, Ted.

TED: Yer wouldn't 'ave 'er number on yer, would yer?

CROW CAWS AND GUNSHOT.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Thomas Taufan, Hester van der Vyver, Nate
Gothard, Linda Chong, Cheng

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones