Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 033 - Do Wombats Poop Squares?)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Short Skits, Alexander the Great)

MUSIC, MOURNFUL SYNTH, SETTING UP MOOD. DISTANT
WIND BECOMING STRONGER.

VOICE: Today we read from the Journal of Alexander the Great:

53 thousand drachma.

Tomorrow we’ll look at his cashbook.

Damn it!

MUSIC FADES OUT.

(Paranormal Patrol, Shabby Seagul, Chapter 16)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND
SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: On this week's awesomely incredible episode of Paranormal Patrol,
Petra and Jean come face to face with the faceless shadow at the end of the bar of the
Shabby Seagull Inn overlooking the Straits of Dire. Pete and John help Buster overcome
his fears in the cellar and something creepy happens in the kitchen.......

PETE: Ooooooh that's ever so.... um….

JOHN: Creepy?

PETE: That's the word.

VOICE OVER: So join us now for another amazingly awesome episode of Paranormal
Patrol.

THEME OUT. CREEPY MUSIC.

BUSTERL (WALKIE TALKIE) John, can you come in?

JOHN: Yes Buster.

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) I think that I should go to the cellar and face my fears.

JOHN: Are you sure?

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) I think that it’s the right thing to do.

JOHN: No one is making you.

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Look, I think it's time to stand up and be the man I know I am.

JOHN: Well, that's really big of you. Good luck, buddy.

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) John?

JOHN: Yeah?

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Could you come with me?

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Jean, did that shadow just move?

JEAN: I think so.

A GLASS BEING PUT DOWN ON A BAR.

DAVE: (MUTTERING)

PETRA: Did you hear that?

JEAN: Do wombats poop squares?

PETRA: Cubes. But yes, it sounded like a glass on a bar...

DAVE: (MUTTERING) Oh, well time to go home...

SOMEONE FALLING ONTO THE FLOOR.
SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: That sounded too real to be not.

JEAN: What?

PETRA: That didn't come out right, just follow me, babes.

FEET RUNNING.

JOHN: (ASIDE) Buster Cherry our technical advisor wanted to confront his
fears in the cellar after being hit in the head with a chair that flew
from the darkness. He asked me to go down with him and Pete didn't
want to be alone so the three of us went down.

How about we do some EMF readings to see what this area is like?

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: (ASIDE) E.M.F stands for electromagnetic frequency. And it’s…well…

JOHN: Widely known that high levels of EMF can lead to nausea, paranoia, obesity…

PETE: flatulence, delusions of grandeur and hallucinations. In some
instances, it can create a fear cage effect. Was that good?

JOHN: Could be better. But sure, not bad.

JOHN: Okay Buster let’s get some readings down here.

BUSTER: Okay. 0.1, 0.2, 0.

PETE: Oh, my E.M.F is playing up.

JOHN: What's it say?

PETE: Nothing, it doesn’t have a voice.

BUSTER: Hold on 6.4, 7.8 I have what looks like an electrical box.

JOHN: Be careful...

ZAPPING FROM ELECTRICAL COMPONENTS, THEN CAROUSEL MUSIC
THEN BACK TO ZAPPING AND THEN AN EXPLOSION AND A THUD.

JOHN: Did you hear that?

SCARY MUSIC.

Buster? Are you okay?

BUSTER: Huh, Where Am I? Okay, yep...

JOHN: You must have touched a live wire.

PETE: Oh you lit up like a Christmas tree, especially your bauble.

BUSTER: Oh man.... I can hardly move.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Ha, just as I expected.

JEAN: What?

PETRA: Babes, this shadow isn't a shadow at all.

JEAN: What?

PETRA: Remember we were looking at the shadow, but we couldn't see it as it was too dark?

JEAN: Yes. It was most, unlike the shadows we’ve seen. Doesn’t match anything in the guidebooks.

PETRA: Well, that's because it isn't.

JEAN: What is it then? A rare sub-species of poltergeist? A hob goblin?

DAVE: Hellooo, wash your name honey?

PETRA: It's one of the patrons. Here Jean, touch him. He won’t bite. Probably.

TIMBER ON TIMBER.

PETRA: Not with a barge pole! Where did you get that anyway?

JEAN: That's as close as I get, I mean, I don’t know where he’s been.

DAVE: Ohhh, another one thank you bartender.

JEAN: But why can't we see him properly?

PETRA: He's wearing a ninja outfit, duh.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Buster? Are you right to stand up?

BUSTER: I think so…

PERSON STANDING UP.

PETE: That's the ticket.

JOHN: Do you know what a fear cage is?

BUSTER: Yeah, it's when you get handcuffed to a cage and pay a dominatrix to
beat the living shit out of you for your pure utter enjoyment.
Definitely recommend the girls at Salty Sal’s, they’re real mean. And nice.

(BEAT)

JOHN: No, a fear cage is something completely different.

BUSTER: Then I think you’re living the wrong life, Johnnie boy.

JOHN: Don’t call me that!!

BUSTER: Sorry, sir.

(BEAT)

PETE: Um, ooooohhh, I can feel an explanation coming on....please.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: (ASIDE) Right, well a fear cage is where there is a high level of EMF.
This happens a lot in basements and cellars where there are a lot of
wires that are close together or running under beams. It can cause
anywhere from mild discomfort to feelings of panic, fear and loss of
bowel control.

Now are you okay to stand on your own, Buster?

BUSTER: Course. I’m fine. Yep.

JOHN: There we go. Now where were you standing exactly when you hit that
live wire?

BUSTER: Just over…

ELECTRICAL ZAPPING, SCREAMING, CAROUSEL MUSIC,
ZAPPING AND FINALLY A THUD.

PETE: Ooooh, that really was all too easy.

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: In next week’s incredibly delicious episode of Paranormal Patrol,
Buster recovers from his nasty shock, Petra and Jean unmask the ninja
drinker and Pete and John have a run in with the secretive chef of the
Shabby Seagull Inn overlooking the Straits of Dire. But not before
helping Buster up.

PETE: Now Buster dear, we missed that, could you show us just one more
time?

ZAPPING, SCREAM FADING...

VOICE OVER: On the next enthralling episode Paranormal Patrol.

(On The Roman Nose, Scum)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING

SENSUS: Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Yes, Sensus?

SENSUS: A delegation to see you.

CAESAR: Anthony Delegation?

SENSUS: No, my Lord.

CAESAR: I wonder what has happened to Anthony.

SENSUS: One of life's little mysteries.

CAESAR: He is. So who is here?

SENSUS: A delegation from the Senate.

CAESAR: Oh, by Bacchus' beard!

SENSUS: Senator Decievious is heading the delegation.

CAESAR: Oh, not Decievious.

SENSUS: I am sorry Caesar.

CAESAR: Call them then, let's get it out of the way.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call the Senators.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call the Senators!

GUARD 2: (DISTANT) Call the Senators!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Lot of bores lot of bores to Caesar's chambers.

CAESAR: I liked that, but it won't do me any favours. Have it seen to, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes my Lord.

HORN FLOURISH AND PEOPLE ENTERING WITH VARIOUS CATTLE SOUNDS.

DECIEVIOUS: Ave, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Ave Senator Decievious and Senators All.

SENSUS: Ave, State your business of State.

DECIEVIOUS: (SLIMILY) We have noticed that you are trying to pass restrictive
measures through the senate whilst the Grand Final at the Colosseum
is distracting the populous.

CAESAR: How could you suggest such a thing?

DECIEVIOUS: Because we were the ones that suggested such a thing to you in the
first place.

CAESAR: Ah, yes. That's right.

DECIEVIOUS: We feel that we cannot be silent on this issue and must go public.

CAESAR: Oh not again....

DECIEVIOUS: You leave us no choice unless....

CAESAR: Unless?

DECIEVIOUS: Unless several humble and tiny, tiny requests may be granted by the
honourable and generous Caesar.

SENSUS: So, state your demands.

DECIEVIOUS: Requests, Lord Caesar, we would never, demand. We request a pay
rise.

CAESAR: You just had one.

DECIEVIOUS: But cost of living is going through the roof.

SENSUS: (SARCASTIC) Really? Who could have foreseen that?

DECIEVIOUS: Yes, well….Every time we get a pay rise taxes go up.

CAESAR: I know.

DECIEVIOUS: I mean yesterday I bought two sheep.

CAESAR: And how much did you pay?

DECIEVIOUS: Three sheep.

CAESAR: This worries me.

DECIEVIOUS: Why?

CAESAR: Well, aren't you in charge of treasury?

DECIEVIOUS: In a way.

CAESAR: In a way?

DECIEVIOUS: As much as I am the senator for treasury.

SENSUS: Said like a true politician.

DECIEVIOUS: Why, thank you. But I have returned three successive profits.

CAESAR: Surplus?

DECIEVIOUS: No, wise men. They predicted a surplus in the next ten years and the
birth of someone in Judea.

CAESAR: Jesus!

DECIEVIOUS: That's him. They were on their way there.

CAESAR: Interesting. What else do you demand?

DECIEVIOUS: Request, Lord Caesar, we would never demand. That orgies are made
tax deductible.

SENSUS: They are.

DECIEVIOUS: Really?

SENSUS: Yes. Claim them under your business entertainment allowance.

DECIEVIOUS: Oh, I see. Excellent. Well, that only leaves one request.

CAESAR: It is...?

DECIEVIOUS: Front-row seats to the Grand Finals.

CAESAR: Oh, come now. This close to the event?

SENSUS: I think we can do this, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Really? I thought only the scalpers had tickets.

SENSUS: It is true but we scalped one.

CAESAR: A ticket?

SENSUS: No, a scalper.

CAESAR: Excellent. How was it?

SENSUS: Hair-raising.

CAESAR: Excellent.

DECIEVIOUS: Excellent indeed. We thank you for your kindness.

CAESAR: And I thank you for your silence.

DECIEVIOUS: Naturally. Ave great Caesar.

CAESAR: Ave noble Senator Decievious and Senators all.

ALL: Ave

PEOPLE MOVING OUT WITH CATTLE SOUNDS.

SENSUS: Well. That was interesting.

CAESAR: Complete scum, Sensus.

SENSUS: Indeed.

CAESAR: Makes political life so much easier.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Thomas Taufan, Hester van der Vyver,
Nate Gothard, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones