Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 030 - Goblins, Flies and Ghosts, Oh My!)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Ed & Ted, The Fly)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Click go the shears boys, sold in hurry over the internet to some
foreign buyer. I remember a time when Australia rode on the sheep's
back, but I can't seem to picture the saddle. Ah yes, welcome to another endearing
journey to the famed outback. A country where time stood still..... and died.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

TED: Ed.

ED: Ted.

TED: 'ow are yeh?

ED: Not bad.

TED: Not bad?

ED: Nah, not too bad.

TED: Not too bad?

ED: I got a strange twinge.

TED: Where?

ED: Just standin' 'ere.

TED: Nah, I meant, where is yeh strange twinge?

ED: Outback.

TED: Oooh that's a nasty place ter 'ave a strange twinge.

ED: Yer not wrong.

TED: Too right.

ED: Absolutely, like.

TED: So 'ow yeh get this strange twinge?

ED: I was in the paddock.

TED: Right.

ED: An' bent down to pick up a twig.

TED: Bull.

ED: No, dinkum.

TED: No, I meant was it a bull that hit yeh?

ED: Nah.

TED: Nah?

ED: Nah. But when I straightened up, it grabbed me.

TED: The muscle?

ED: Nah.

TED: Nah?

ED: The stable hand.

TED: Which one?

ED: The left one.

TED: Strueth.

ED: Anyway's I sez, what'er think yer doing?

TED: An'?

ED: An she sez…

TED: She?

ED: Yeh, the stable hand, Melissa.

TED: Melissa?

ED: Yeh know, the one with the saddle bags.

TED: Oh, the saddle bags, yeah, I remember.

ED: An she sez, don't worry I got it.

TED: Dinkum?

ED: Yeah, straight up and down.

TED: An' what did yeh say?

ED: I sez, yeh sure did.

TED: Strueth.

ED: 'an then she sez, "I got the fly".

TED: Honest, like?

ED: An' I sez, "don't be daft".

TED: Yeah?

ED: Yeah, an' she sez "whad-ya-mean?"

TED: An'?

ED: I sez, "the fly's on the other side".

TED: Yeah, that's for cert.

ED: An she sez, "no, a fly".

TED: An you sez?

ED: I sez, "look, 'ere's me fly".

TED: An' what she say?

ED: She sez, "its open".

TED: Open?

ED: Yeah, "to debate".

TED: Really?

ED: Dinkum.

TED: Whatya mean debate?

ED: That's what I said and she looks at me and sez, "that's yeh pants fly"
and then she pointed to the ground and sez "that's a 'orse fly".

TED: What'd you say?

ED: I sez, don't be a daft bunny, 'orses don't wear pants.

TED: Strueth. So 'ow yer get that twinge?

ED: Well I got to thinkin' about it an sat on the fence.

TED: The barbed wire one?

ED: That's the one.

AMBIENCE AND STOCK WHIP.

THEME OUT.

(Paranormal Patrol, The SHabby Seagul EP13)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY
BASS AND SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: On the last incredibly amazing episode of Paranormal Patrol, Buster
was once again hit with a chair in the cellar and Jean made contact
with the entity.

JEAN: Thank you!

GHOST: Hehehehehe

JEAN: Is that you?

VOICE OVER: Pete and John caught a glimpse of the Lady in Blue looking out
over the Straits of Dire at the Shabby Seagull Inn. In this week’s
enthrallingly fantastic investigation, Buster buys a helmet and Pete
and John make contact.

COLLISION OF TWO PEOPLE, THINGS DROPPING.

JOHN: Do wish you'd watch where you are going.

PETE: Sorry.

VOICE OVER: So join us now for Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT AND SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Pete, did you see that?

PETE: What?

JOHN: That figure?

PETE: Where?

JOHN: Over near that apparition of the soldier.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: Ooooh, yes, it looks like the Lady in Blue.

SCARY MUSIC.

Mind you, it isn't a real blue, it's more like an aqua.

JOHN: No, it's blue.

PETE: Oh what would you know about colour, I mean look what you're
wearing.

JOHN: What do you mean, this is pretty classy.

PETE: Oh please, you clash like a cat and dog.

JOHN: Wait, where did the Lady go?

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: Jean? Are you still down here?

JEAN: No.

PETRA: Very funny.

JEAN: You're not going to believe this.

PETRA: You mean Buster vs Chair? I think It came out of this corner. Honestly
it was a great shot.

JEAN: I think it was the same entity from the cell at the old Abandoned gaol at Lady Loosley's Head.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETRA: No way. It’s following you?

JEAN: How about we do a little E.V.P work?

PETRA: Sure thing.

SCARY MUSIC

JEAN: (ASIDE) Petra came down to the basement after Buster was hit in the
head and we decided to do some E.V.P work. I have already told you
what E.V.P is short for so I don't really need to say anything more. If
you don't know what E.V.P is, you should listen more closely next
time.

FOOTSTEPS ON THE VERANDAH.

JOHN: I think it went this way.

PETE: Wait up, John, not so fast.

JOHN: Damn, nothing.

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: It looked like she drifted right through this wall.

JOHN: You saw her too?

PETE: I'm not blind.

JOHN: I didn't suggest you were.

PETE: I'm not even colour blind.

JOHN: I can't believe you'd say that about my clothes.

PETE: What, that they clash like the Titans?

JOHN: I mean look what you're wearing.

PETE: What?

JOHN: Sequins for an investigation?

PETE: Yeah, but they sparkle in the moonlight. Look.

SCARY MUSIC.

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) John, can you come in?

JOHN: Yeah Buster, how's your head?

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Yeah, yeah very funny.

JOHN: I was being serious.

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Really?

JOHN: Yeah

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Well it's a bit sore but…

JOHN: (LAUGHING)

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Yeah, yeah, very funny.

JOHN: What do you have for us?

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE)I have an image of a naked woman showing up on camera 5.

JOHN: Isn't that the one I told you not to set up in Arabella's
shower?

BUSTER: (WALKIE TALKIE) Ah, sorry ignore that. It’s nothing. I have nothing. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Must
be the TV.

SCARY MUSIC

JEAN: Are you still there?

GHOST: Hehehehehehe

PETRA: If you are the person we met at the old abandoned gaol at Lady
Loosley's head could you give us some sort of confirmation?

(PAUSE)

GHOST: Twenty-eight

JEAN: Did it just say twenty-eight?

PETRA: Yes! It’s him!

JEAN: Oh thank you so much for hitting Buster with the chair.

GHOST: Hehehehehehehe

JEAN: Oh that is so cute!

SCARY MUSIC.

PETE: John, I think there's something on the verandah.

JOHN: Where?

PETE: Look next to the window.

JOHN: It's the Lady in Blue!

PETE: Aqua.

JOHN: Blue!

PETE: Aqua!

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: So, the Shabby Seagull Inn starts to reveal its secrets.

BUSTER: Oh Arabella, more lather….

SLAP.

JOHN: Bloody pervert.

VOICE OVER: Petra and Jean find a new old friend in the cellar. And elsewhere, Pete
and John see the Lady in Blue.

PETE: Aqua

JOHN: No definitely blue.

PETE: Aqua, you colour blind potato!

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: Join us then on Paranormal Patrol.

(Short Skit, Goblins)

UNEASY GUITAR FADES UNDER:

WUIRMIARD: You know what I loathe about humans?

PRATBIZZ: Zyc, here go again. What’s to complain about this time? What exactly
do you hate about humans?

WUIRMIARD: The way they get stuck in your teeth.

PRATBIZZ CACKLES

It’s true! The artificial bits and pieces, the brotbiork and nails,
the…well you know what I mean, Pratbizz.

PRATBIZZ: I’ll admit, some of em are rather hard to digest, let alone prepare.

WUIRMIARD: Zyc the preparation. Takes hours upon hours, don’t it? The piercings, plastic and metal
joints…the way in which they change themselves.

PRATBIZZ: Jeelkagz! Disgustingly inconvenient.

WUIRMIARD: The dronk inked skin.

PRATBIZZ: I don’t mind inked flesh. I like the pretty little paarbaasbs. There’s a
real taste of the sea with em branded by anchors and such.

WUIRMIARD: Superstition!

PRATBIZZ: The sea is in their flesh, sometimes. But some vioszs, some skins are
so…priceless.

WUIRMIARD: Really?

PRATBIZZ: Viosz em, stretch across a bone frame and beat em, or sell em.

WUIRMIARD: Jeelkagz!

PRATBIZZ: Where’s your creativity? Then there’s the makeup.

WUIRMIARD: The makeup? The, the…zyc…paint?

PRATBIZZ: Yeesss, the facial paints. Lip balm, what an invention. A younger woman last week,
Strawberry Delights. Oh, it was. Her lips to mine. I miss those tender, juicy, lips.

WUIRMIARD: It doesn’t agree with my stomach.

PRATBIZZ: You need the organic ones, the clean, untouched ones. The
klasdiords.

What you really wanna do is klas em down first. If you have time
bake em with a layer of honey. Pour boiling water on em first, seng,
pat em down with a paper towel and then gently pour over the
honey. Cook em for a few hours. You want the skin nice and stoiq but/

WUIRMIARD: Too much troubling.

PRATBIZZ: Stop complaining! I would rather be flossing human tendons from my
teeth than eat another jeelkagz rodent. Scrawny zycs.

WUIRMIARD: At least rodents don’t fight back.

PRATBIZZ: Suppose.

WUIRMIARD: How do you want to be dividing the flesh?

PRATBIZZ: Halves all the way…except I get the lips.

WUIRMIARD: Both ends?

UNEASY GUITAR STRUMMING RETURNS AND FADES OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Cheng, Thomas Taufan, Gavin Jones,
Hester van der Vyver, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones