Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 003 - Why Tanks Toots)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(On the Roman Nose, Toots)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING

CAESAR: What next Sensus?

SENSUS: A delegation of the Hun, my Lord.

CAESAR: Here?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: And we let them in?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord. Please remember that we have a treaty with them. We’ve had six years of peace,
now.

CAESAR: Then why are we still staying General Ubrutus to protect the Northern boarders?

SENSUS: Well, peace needs to be overseen and ...

CAESAR: And?

SENSUS: You know how he gets when he gets bad news.

CAESAR: Oh yes. It is sad to think that my Commander in Chief of the North is known for beating the
Hun into submission with a good bitch slapping.

SENSUS: (QUIET) Like you could do better.

CAESAR: I’m sorry Sensus?

SENSUS: (LOUD) But peace it is, my Lord.

CAESAR: True.

SENSUS: Shall I ask them in?

CAESAR: I guess so.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Summon the delegation of the Hun.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Summon the Hun

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Mr. Hun, Mr. Hun, please proceed to Caesar's Chambers.

CAESAR: Do something about that, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

HUGE DOORS OPENING, EARTH SHAKING FOOTSTEPS OF SEVERAL PEOPLE AND
DEEP BREATHING.

SENSUS: My Lord Caesar, this is Ambassador Wolfgang Dryvretchhaus.

CAESAR: Welcome.

WOLFGANG: (A VERY ROUGH GERMAN ACCENT) Why tanks toots.

SENSUS: That's Lord Toots to you.

WOLFGANG: Ooooh. Aren't you ze feisty one? My apologies.

CAESAR: Why do you seek an audience with me?

WOLFGANG: Vell, ve vere yust in ze area.... oh I can't lie, I blush too much.

CAESAR: What a lovely shade.

WOLFGANG: Dunka. Ve vould like to make ze offer for ze outpost.

CAESAR: Which outpost?

SOUND OF SCROLL UNROLLING.

CAESAR (CONT”D): Oohhh…we really ought to get more maps like this Sensus. Rustic and with
character.

SENSUS: I’m not sure if pools of dried blood can be defined as character.

CAESAR: Well, I think it adds charm.

PASSIVE THUD ON TABLE.

WOLFGANG: Here!

CAESAR: Pardon? You would like to buy…

WOLFGANG: Oh, buy is such an ugly verd. How about we call it a corporate take over?

CAESAR: All of it?

WOLFGANG: Ya.

CAESAR: May I ask why?

WOLFGANG: Ya.

(LONG PAUSE)

CAESAR: Well?

WOLFGANG: You may ask me vhy anytime.

CAESAR: Ah, I see..... Why?

WOLFGANG: I can't tell. (WHISPERING) It's a secret.

CAESAR: I see. What do you offer in return?

WOLFGANG: Seventy-three million sheep and naming rights on the FC Jersey.

CAESAR: What is the exchange rate Sensus?

SENSUS: Presently, four and a half sheep to a silver piece.

CAESAR: Very well, let me think about the matter and I will give you my answer tomorrow.

WOLFGANG: Vhy danka Lord Toots.

CAESAR: Indeed.

GREAT SLOBBERING MASS LEAVING, THUNDERING STEPS HUGE DOORS
CLOSING.

CAESAR: Well, what do you make of all that, Sensus?

SENSUS: Interesting, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: I can't help feeling that I can't trust them.

SENSUS: I have that same feeling.

CAESAR: I mean, it is an extravagant amount for such a forsaken territory.

SENSUS: I'll say, my Lord.

CAESAR: I mean no one would like to fight over the vague but all too familiar piece of land that countries
have and will fight over for hundreds of years.

SENSUS: Are we being vague enough?

CAESAR: Vague enough without being too on the Roman Nose I think Sensus.

THEME OUT.

(Short Skit - Sheep Dog)

SONG, BRIGHTEN IT ALL, PLAYS AND SLOWLY FADES UNDER.

ANNOUNCER: We cut now to the sheep-dog trials in Tasmania
.
JUDGE: Bluey, you have been found guilty of mounting Mr Collin’s leg and are sentenced to be
desexed!

DOG WHIMPERS.

SONG FADES UP AND ENDS.

(Paranormal Patrol, Lady Loosely's Head, E3)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND
SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: In the previous episode of Paranormal Patrol, the team set up for a night in the old
abandoned gaol at Lady Loosley's Head, where mysterious and unexplained paranormal
phenomena had been reported. Jean filled in the team about the shocking history of the
once gaol, asylum, prisoner of war camp, brothel, abattoir and political campaign offices,
as well as Lady Loosley's connection.

JOHN: And Lady Loosley?

JEAN: Yes, they found her head here.

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: We join John Robust and Pete Sake, joint founders of the Paranormal Patrol as they look
for evidence of sound they can't hear.

THEME OUT.

JOHN: Did you hear that?

PETE: What?

JOHN: That.

PETE: No.

JOHN: Exactly and I think it's getting closer.

PETE: Can we turn the lights on?

JOHN: Shh!

SCARY MUSIC.

(ASIDE) Pete and I are in the area that once had carpet, which was ripped up exposing bare
marble. Now several people have claimed that they haven't heard the footsteps of people, even
though the carpet has gone. We just started to hear the complete lack of footsteps and decided to
get the Thermonuclear Camera out to see if anything was around.

PETE: What do you see?

JOHN: Nothing yet. Wait a second....

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: We now join Buster Cherry lead technician and Jean Tightly, investigator in training, as
they investigate the cell where a shadow has been seen crouched in the left corner and
bugger all happens in the right corner.

JEAN: This is where the shadow has been seen, right?

BUSTER: Yeah, left hand corner.

JEAN: It’s pretty claustrophobic down here.

BUSTER: A bit cosy you could say. Maybe even a bit intimate. You and me and…

JEAN: The rest of the film crew. Do you see anything?

BUSTER: What? Nah, I can't see due to the shadow.

JEAN: That may be him. Right?

BUSTER: Mmm, yeah, the dark shadowy type who says they’re not after your girl but slips into her
DMs. You got to be wary of slimy bastards like that Jean. Gotta look out for the nice guys.
The good guys. Like me.

SCARY MUSIC.

JEAN: Did that shadow just move? I’m not crazy, right?

BUSTER: Not unless you’re crazy into me.

JEAN: To be sure we’ll do some E.V.P.

BUSTER: Jean…

JEAN: Wait, I just…Something just grabbed my arse.

SCARY MUSIC.

BUSTER: Oh, that was me, sweety. God your ass is tight as…

SLAP THEN SCARY MUSIC.

JEAN: (ASIDE) E.V.P stands for Electronic Voice Phenomenon-ona. It's where disembodied voices
can imprint themselves on a digital recorder. Was that good? Do you want me to do it again?

SCARY MUSIC.

Can you act professionally for two minutes?!

BUSTER: Of course. I just thought….

JEAN: Just do the EVP.

BUSTER: Ah, yep, yep, yep. Is there anyone in here with us?

JEAN: Can you tell us your name?

BUSTER: Do you know next week's lotto numbers?

JEAN: What?

BUSTER: Look, I’ve done this a million times, they rarely respond, so whatever.

(PAUSE)

Well, can you move something, or make a knocking sound?

JEAN: Can you do something to show us you are here?

(PAUSE)

BUSTER: Maybe they want you to show us something Jeanie, a little uh…

JEAN: Okay, if you aren't going to help us, We’ll move on.

GHOST: (WHISPERED) Twenty-four.

BUSTER: Did you hear that?

JEAN: It sounded like "plenty more"?

BUSTER: Plenty more?

GHOST: Twenty-four!

SCARY MUSIC.

BUSTER: Bently door?

JEAN: Sentry door?

GHOST: Oh, for heaven's sake, twenty-bloody-four!

JEAN AND BUSTER: Ooooh, twenty-four!

(BEAT)

BUSTER: Lotto numbers!?

VOICE OVER: We go back to Pete and John who are still listening for footsteps.

FOOTSTEPS.

JOHN: Listen…

MORE FOOTSTEPS.

Did you hear that?

PETE: It sounded like footsteps.

JOHN: Exactly.

SCARY MUSIC.

(ASIDE) Once we heard the footstep, we knew instantly that it couldn't be the ghost that
walks on the carpet that had been ripped up. If it had been him or her, we wouldn't have
been able to hear a thing. So that was one story that we debunked straight away.

TAP SHOES ON MARBLE.

JOHN: Pete? Are you wearing tap shoes?

PETE: Oh, I just can't resist a big slab of marble. I mean look at this…

TAP ROUTINE TO "SHAVE AND HAIRCUT TWO BITS".

Tadaaaahhh!

CLAPPING.

JOHN: Did you hear that?

PETE: What?

JOHN: Clapping.

PETE: That wasn't you?

THEME SONG.

VOICE OVER: Who was applauding Pete's tap routine? What was the voice in the cell trying to say to
Buster and Jean? And what was going to happen to Petra at the old abandoned prison at
Lady Loosley's Head? Join us next episode when Pete hears a voice from the other side.

JOHN: (MUFFLED) Pete can you unlock this door?

PETE: John, where are you?

JOHN: (MUFFLED) On the other side.

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: On Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver,
Thomas Taufan, Linda Chong, GAvin Jones.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT, WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones