Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 028 - We Have a Back Door)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Paranormal Patrol, Ep 11, Shabby Seagul)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND
SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: Welcome back to the glorious, chaotic and spookily eerie investigations of the
Paranormal Patrol. This season our team investigates the dark recesses of the Shabby
Seagull Inn.

A GULL CRIES.

Which looks out over the lonely expanse of the Straits of Dire. This
time John and Pete have their work cut out…

PETE: Oooohhhhh, cut that out!

VOICE OVER: to track down the lonely figure of the Lady in Blue who is seen pacing
the verandah looking out to sea. And what of the voices in the cellar
and the tormented shadow that lurks in the bar? Join us now for the
answers, on Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT. AMBIENT SEA SOUNDS, WAVES AND SEAGULLS, THEN
VEHICLES PULLING UP, DOORS OPEN AND CLOSES.

ARABELLA: Hi I'm Arabella Land.

JOHN: Hi, I'm John Robust and this is Pete Sake.

PETE: Hellooo, Arabella.

ARABELLA: Hello Pete.

BUSTER: And I'm Buster.

JOHN: And this is Buster our Lead technician.

LOUD LICK.

ARABELLA: Oh that's an, um, unusual.

JOHN: Buster, down boy!

DOG WHINING.

PETE: So Arabella, what a lovely place you have here.

ARABELLA: Yes, it was built in 1823 as an Inn. The most famous visitor was
Captain James Sternwood.

JOHN: Wasn't he also known as a pirate?

ARABELLA: Yes, he was not only a highly decorated naval officer but he was also
the famous and ruthless Pink Beard. In 1823 he was reputed to have
ransacked the Caribbean Port Puree.

JOHN: That was an incredibly bloodthirsty ransacking.

ARABELLA: Where all the men were raped and women put the sword.

BUSTER: Don't you mean...

JOHN: Captain Pink Beard had his own somewhat unconventional ways.

PETE: Quite a brute really.

JOHN: So what was his association with the Inn?

ARABELLA: He had a shandy here.

JOHN: Fantastic. So, where are the paranormal hot spots?

ARABELLA: Well here on the front verandah people have seen a Lady in Blue. She
wears period costume and paces up and down, looking out to
sea.

PETE: See what?

JOHN: The sea.

PETE: What?

JOHN: She sees the sea.

PETE: Sieze the what?

JOHN: Think about it.

PETE: Okay.

JOHN: Does she say anything?

ARABELLA: Well, yes. One of our clients has heard her say "where is the bastard,
his dinner'll burn".

JOHN: Really?

ARABELLA: Mind you he was completely wasted and it might've been his own
wife, cause he lives two doors down.

JOHN: Okay, where else?

ARABELLA: Well, I'll take you into the bar.

JOHN: Lead on.

SCARY MUSIC.

ARABELLA: So here in the bar, a figure has been seen in the corner.

JOHN: Does he do anything?

ARABELLA: Yes, he falls off his stool.

PETE: Does he say anything?

ARABELLA: Ouch.

PETE: Makes sense.

JOHN: Right. Anywhere else?

ARABELLA: We'll go to the cellar.

JOHN: Lead on.

SCARY MUSIC.

ARABELLA: Well, here we are in the cellar.

PETE: And what happens here, dear?

ARABELLA: Oh well my husband lays out three kilos of spaghetti and four tins of
tomato sauce. We start by rolling our naked bodies…

PETE: What paranormal things happen here?

ARABELLA: Oh, I hear voices.

JOHN: What do they say?

ARABELLA: Various things. One time I distinctly heard a voice say "nice arse".

JOHN: So it was a male.

ARABELLA: No, female.

PETE: Interesting.

JOHN: Right. Well, we'll start to set up our gear and then get ready for the investigation.

ARABELLA: Good Luck.

PETE: Oooooh...she sees the sea. Sorry, took me a second.

SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE: The team prepare for their enthralling investigation into the
Paranormal activities at the Shabby Seagull Inn.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Okay Buster, where are the cameras?

BUSTER: I've got one here on the verandah looking for the Lady in Blue and one
in the bar to catch the shadow at the end of the bar.

JOHN: That's good.

BUSTER: And we have two in the cellar. One catches the door and the other
one in the cellar proper.

JOHN: Great, and what's that one?

BUSTER: Oh. That’s nothing.

JOHN: But that looks like Arabella's bathroom...

BUSTER: Oh I thought that there might have been some unusual activity.

SLAP.

Ow, message received.

JOHN: Okay. Let's get the lights out and get going. Buster and Jean, how about you take the
basement?

JEAN: Well, I would prefer…

JOHN: Excellent, Petra you take the front verandah and Pete and I'll start in
the bar.

PETE: You're buying.

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: In next week's incredible investigation the investigators investigate
the vestige of the best vest of the bar room shadow and what of the
Lady in Blue endlessly looking out to see, the sea, or someone on it.
And what evil lurks in the cellar....

JEAN: Buster was that you?

BUSTER: Charged as guilty. You could say I’m a bit of a bad…

SLAP AND SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: Join us for the next episode of Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT.

(Short Skit, Snooker)

CHEERING, SNOOKER SHOT AND BALLS HITTING.

COMMENTATOR: So now it’s Ethan Wraggs-Little. He steps up to the table, and red into the forward
pocket. Oh yes, nicely done. Now the black in the back left pocket. Yes. He has set
himself up for the next red into the front right pocket and now the pink into the back
right... yes. Oh well done. So there it is Ethen Wraggs-Little kleptomaniac champion
again for the fifth year. What a win. What a steal!

(On the Roman Nose, Worthwhile)

VOICE: And now to Rome!!!

CROWD CHEERING.

SENSUS: Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Yes Sensus, I'm over here.

SENSUS: What are you doing in there?

CAESAR: Not much. Just trying on a new breastplate.

SENSUS: Oh, very nice.

CAESAR: Do you like it?

SENSUS: Yes. It is very shapely.

CAESAR: Indeed. A "D" cup.

SENSUS: Is it for you?

CAESAR: No, no, no, no, no, it's for Cleo. I had it made specially for our anniversary.

SENSUS: Right.

CAESAR: Honestly. It isn't my colour anyway.

SENSUS: True, lilac clashes with your eyes. Anyway, Lord Caesar, it is Grand
Finals time.

CAESAR: Yes it is!

SENSUS: So you know what this means?

CAESAR: We pass all the unpopular laws through the Senate, unnoticed. Which
ones are we looking at today?

SENSUS: Restrictions to private freedoms, abolishment of some freedoms of
speech, a rise in taxes and the funding of future incursions to protect
the empire.

CAESAR: Excellent!

SENSUS: We do have...

A DOOR KNOCK.

CAESAR: What is that?

SENSUS: It sounded like the back door.

CAESAR: We have a back door?

SENSUS: Several.

DOOR KNOCK.

CAESAR: Who would come to the back door?

SENSUS: Shy Mormons?

CAESAR: Bit early for them. Go and see, please Sensus.

SENSUS: Certainly, Lord Caesar.

FOOTSTEPS THEN A DOOR OPENS.

SENSUS: Ah, King Nordsan Xerxes.

XERXES: Shhhhh. I'm Incognito.

SENSUS: No you’re not. Ian Conito is our barber.

XERXES: I mean, I am travelling undercover.

SENSUS: Of what?

XERXES: This cover. Can I come in?

SENSUS: Come in, come in.

CAESAR: Who is it, Sensus?

SENSUS: It's an anonymous Persian King.

CAESAR: Ah, Nordsan, what brings you here?

XERXES: Caesar, a thousand apologies, my friend. I had to send my daughter
Shadana the Personality. It's her mother…

CAESAR: Dionysus The Demanding?

XERXES: That's her.

SENSUS: Is there a problem?

XERXES: She is the mother of all mothers.

CAESAR: I understand.

XERXES: She said, Nordy…

CAESAR: Nordy?

XERXES: Please don't repeat this.

CAESAR: Nordy?

XERSES: Please. She says, Nordy, you must find a husband for Shadana. I said
that it wasn't that easy. I mean how many doormats are there?
She says, you do this or my mother comes to stay for good.

CAESAR AND SENSUS: (GASP)

CAESAR: So you sent her to me?

XERXES: Yes, I am sorry.

CAESAR: I do understand. But how sorry are you?

XERXES: About twenty thousand pieces of gold sorry.

CAESAR: That's very sorry.

CASH REGISTER CHING.

XERSES: Interesting place to keep that.

SENSUS: King Xerxes, we may have found an agreeable solution.

XERXES: Really?

SENSUS: Noble Caesar's brother Octavius has offered himself as a…

XERXES: Sacrifice?

SENSUS: Of sorts.

XERXES: Did you have to threaten him?

SENSUS: Of course. Impaling on a pine dresser.

XERXES: Did he want to see the dresser?

SENSUS: Of course.

CAESAR: But rest assured, we will have a wedding that will cement our two
empires.

XERXES: How much?

CAESAR: This is going to cost you plenty.

XERXES: You know Dionysus will want to direct the wedding.

CAESAR: The price just doubled.

XERXES: You make this happen, I'll gladly pay, believe me.

CAESAR: Do you have time to join us in an orgy?

XERXES: Many thanks, but I must get back. I have an express galley waiting.

CAESAR: A little conspicuous.

XERXES: It's disguised as a whale.

CAESAR: Does it work?

XERXES: Oh yes, except people keep trying to push us back into the water.
When we land and we can't seem to get rid of a Hebrew stowaway.

CAESAR: Very well. Go in peace, my friend.

XERXES: Thank you once again. I shall not forget this!

CAEASR: We can bank on that.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan, Nate
Gothard, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones