Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 027 - Shadana the Personality)

(On the Roman Nose, Managing)

VOICE: And now to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: What is your idea, Sensus?

SENSUS: About Shadana the Personality?

CAESAR: Yes. I mean I specifically said that we could have peace with Persia IF
and only IF King Nordsan Xerxes did NOT offer his daughter's hand in
marriage.

FEET RUNNING.

SENSUS: Well, if I may suggest...

CONTINUES RUNNING THE, TAP DANFCING TO "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT,
TWO BITS".

CAESAR: Fedux, how dare you enter the chamber unannounced!

FEDUX: Forgive me, my Lords, but I bring grievous news.

CAESAR: Speak man!

FEDUX: Her Royal Highness Princess Shadana the Personality has arrived and
craves an audience.

SENSUS: Craves?

FEDUX: Demands.

CAESAR: Damn. What do we do, Sensus?

SENSUS: Fedux, return to the Princess and say that we shall be with her but
presently and welcome her arrival with joy and celebration.

FEDUX: Sincerity costs a little extra, my Lords.

CAESAR: Very well, just get on with it.

COIN BEING TOSSED, LANDING ON FLOOR, THEN FEET
RUNNING OFF.

Can't I just hide?

SENSUS: Not wise my Lord. I feel that we should welcome her into the palace
and play the innocent.

CAESAR: But he usually wins.

SENSUS: I mean play as if we did not know that she was to arrive and that we
certainly didn't know that she was offered as a bride.

CAESAR: And then do I hide?

SENSUS: Only if Cleo finds out. Anyway, this will buy us some time, at least.

CAESAR: Buy us some time for what?

SENSUS: I think we may well be able to have peace and you will not need to
marry Shadana.

HORNS FLOURISH.

FEDUX: My Lord Caesar, Senator Sensus, The Princess Royal of Persia,
Shadana the Personality.

CAESAR: Is there a Princess who isn't royal?

ROYALLY HUGE FANFARE FOLLOWED BY FOOTSTEPS

SHADANA: Ave, my Lord, are you in fact the equivalent of the Manager?

CAESAR: Good gods. The haircut!

SENSUS: Lord Caesar says that the good gods are to be praised for bringing
safely such a distinguished and elegant guest to our palace. Caesar
greets you, the Senate greets you and all of Rome greets you, your
Highness.

SHADANA: My thanks to you Lord Caesar, and to you Senator. However It must
be said that your staff have no manners, your city lacks taste and I’ve
been here for more than a quarter of an hour without one offer to
join an orgy. It’s disgusting. Repulsive. One Star service at best.

CAESAR: It is unsurprising.

SHADANA: What was that?!

SENSUS: My Lord said it’s surprising. We must amend this at once and make
sure you’re treated according to your status.

SHADANA: I should think so. And the voyage! The man who ran the rat infested
ship, if you can even call it that, was incredibly rude, misogynistic
and…

CAESAR: It was your father’s ship was it not?

SHADANA: So? I expect any travel to your empire to be smooth sailing.

SENSUS: Um...Princess Shadana, why are we so honoured with your gracious
presence?

SHADANA: Do you not know? My father told me that I am to marry you, even
though I am incredibly, notoriously out of your league. I mean, I don’t
need a man, unless he’s going to treat me like the princess I am. A
queen even. I know what I’m entitled to. Surely you are aware of all
this? Were you not informed?

SENSUS: Well, we open our gates to you, do as you please, and please, please
feel welcome so that we may confirm the wishes of your father, the
King.

SHADANA: You will find I am correct in the manner, I always am. But I will entertain myself in your bath
house while you confirm what you will. They better be emptied upon my arrival. I will not be
sharing them with peasants, let along Senators. Filthy, scandalous Senators.

FOOTSTEPS LEAVING.

CAESAR: Good gods, Sensus, this is frightening, she's frightening.

SENSUS: Don't let that haircut fool you, in there somewhere is a very
sensitive and intelligent young woman. Probably.

CAESAR: What, did she eat one?

SENSUS: Now, now. We need her to be on our side.

CAESAR: Outside would be fine.

SENSUS: I have a plan, but will need a little time. Firstly, we shall get her to
pose for a marble statue.

CAESAR: I will not have her…

SENSUS: And that will buy us some time. Think of how she will fuss, order and
gloat. It’s the perfect distraction. Then I shall introduce her to your
brother Octavius.

CAESAR: Octavius? But he despises me. Oh yes, he does, doesn't he?

SENSUS: He will woo her and steal her away from you.

CAESAR: Or?

SENSUS: We shall impale him

CAESAR: Impale him? On what?

SENSUS: On a blunt pine dresser.

CAESAR: Painted or varnished?

SENSUS: Natural I think.

CAESAR: Brilliant, but I think he will go with the impaling.

SENSUS: It’s better than the alternative.

CAESAR: Start the plan immediately.

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar.

THEME OUT.

END

(Short Skit, Fashion Guru)

FLOURISH OF NEO- CLASSICAL MUSIC WHICH PROCEEDS UNDER:

FASHION GURU: Good evening ladies and gentlemen to your fashion tips for the festive season.
Mrs. Dunmore of Werisya asks, is it appropriate to wear deer antlers to a party? Now
this does open a can of worms, so to speak. If you are going to a fancy dress party as
a Viking, why of course, antlers or horns may be just the accessory that sets you apart
from all the broomhilders. But please, do be careful of ceiling fans.
However, if you are talking about those felt antlers on a plastic hair clip, then you’ll
really look the part in you lower class beer swilling BBQ. Well that’s all for this week,
but please join us next week when we answer the question: is a cod piece necessary
for a masked ball?

MUSIC FADES OUT.

(On the Roman Nose, The Dresser)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: Sensus?

SENSUS: Yes Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: What are you doing?

SENSUS: I’m drafting a letter from your brother Octavius to Princess Shadana
the Personality.

CAESAR: Let me hear what you have written.

SENSUS: Dear Princess Shadana, I have adored you from afar....

CAESAR: The farther the better, really.

SENSUS: Yes. And I cannot bear the thought of you being married to my
brother Caesar, who could never understand what you’re entitled to,
what you truly deserve.

CAESAR: Really?

SENSUS: Would you prefer it to be hot and steamy?

CAESAR: I don’t want to lose my lunch.

SENSUS: I crave a meeting so that I may more fully tell you of my brimming
love for you. Yours forever, Octavius.

CAESAR: Do you think she will see through it?

SENSUS: It is thin paper.

CAESAR: Summon my brother Octavius.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Octavius

GUARD: (DISTANT) Calling Octavius!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Mocca Flavour Arse, Mocca Flavour arse please report to Caesar.

SENSUS: I thought I fixed that.

CAESAR: You did, but I asked them to say that.

HORN FLOURISH THAT FADES OUT LIKE A DEFLATING BALLOON.

Ave brother.

OCTAVIUS: Ave Lord Caesar and brother. Ave Sensus. Why do you summon me
here?

CAESAR: I feel that it is time for you to wed, brother.

OCTAVIUS: That is kind, but I do not wish to wed.

CAESAR: A certain Persian Princess has arrived.....

OCTAVIUS: Belina the Beautiful, why brother thank you!

CAESAR: Shadana the Personality.

OCTAVIUS: Oh.

CAESAR: And as I am already betrothed I feel that she would be perfect for
you.

OCTAVIUS: Or....

CAESAR: You will be impaled on a pine dresser.

OCTAVIUS: Right.

(PAUSE)

Could I see the pine dresser?

CAESAR: I told you Sensus.

SENSUS: Octavius, think of this as your service to Rome.

OCTAVIUS: It's a suicide mission!

SENSUS: Call it what you will, but if you don't do this, the Grand Finals will be
rudely interrupted by war with Persia.

OCTAVIUS: That has a somewhat noble ring to it.

SENSUS: It has. Octavius, the man who saved Rome from an interruption of the
Grand Finals.

OCTAVIUS: Will I have a bust made in my honour?

CAESAR: For services above and beyond the call of duty and taste.

OCTAVIUS: Or?

CAESAR: Impaling on the pine dresser.

OCTAVIUS: Brother, you and I have never seen eye to eye.

CAESAR: Well, I am shorter than you.

OCTAVIUS: But you have afforded me a chance to serve Rome in a glorious sort of
way.

CAESAR: I am glad that you see it that way.

OCTAVIUS: I request only one thing, my brother.

CAESAR: And that is?

OCTAVIUS: Can I see the dresser?

SENSUS: I have drafted up your love letter and have arranged for you to meet
in the palace garden when the moon is high.

OCTAVIUS: How high?

SENSUS: Does it matter?

OCTAVIUS: The higher the moon the brighter it’s light.

SENSUS: Point taken, when the moon is low.

OCTAVIUS: Can I be high?

SENSUS: If it helps.

OCTAVIUS: And I am to woo her and steal her away.

CAESAR: Yes. And I will reward you for this Octavius.

OCTAVIUS: Very well. I will for Rome.

SENSUS: And all of Rome thanks you.

CAESAR: As all of Shadana will as well, I assume.

OCTAVIUS: Can I have just a glimpse of the dresser?

CAESAR: Ave brave Octavius.

OCTAVIUS: Ave Caesar. Senator Sensus.

SENSUS: Ave.

PERSON LEAVING, DRAGGING OF FEET.

CAESAR: Ah well, poor, brave Octavius.

SENSUS: Indeed. Both noble and nobbled at the same time.

CAESAR: How will we clear this with her father King Nordsan Xerxes?

SENSUS: Leave that to me.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan,
Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones