Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 026 -See Spot, an Act of War and the End of a Case )

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(See Spot)

UPLIFTING CHILDRENS MUSIC PLAYS UNDER:

STORYTELLER : See spot run. See the white geese. See Spot chase the white
geese. See the Ranger. He is very angry. See the Ranger shoot
Spot. See Spot lying on his back. See Spot’s back leg quiver.

MUSIC FADES OUT.

(On the Roman Nose, Act of War)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

SENSUS: Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: (MUFFLED) Wait a moment, Sensus.

BOTTLE CORK POPPING.

Ah, that's better. It's the last time I try to stick that in there.

SENSUS: Yes, Caesar. May I ask why you had your head in that Amphorae?

CAESAR: Oh, Sensus, I do just love those sticky bits Chef comes up with. Have we found out what they
are?

SENSUS: Do you really want to know?

CAESAR: I guess not. You may be right. It may well take the delight out of the
food if I knew what it was. Much the same way as if you knew what
was in a present before opening it.

SENSUS: Or a veil on a woman.

CAESAR: Or an orgy with the lights on.

SENSUS: Indeed.

A CAR HORN HOOTER.

CAESAR: What gives Sensus?

SENSUS: It is your messenger-in-chief, Fedux.

CAESAR: Call him.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Messenger Fedux.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Messenger Fedux!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Massaging three ducks, massaging three ducks, report to Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: I thought you fixed that.

SENSUS: Sadly, The motivational work I did hasn't paid off.

CAESAR: The old carrot and stick approach?

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar. They ate the carrot.

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AND COMING CLOSER.

CAESAR: And the stick?

SENSUS: They now walk on their tippy toes.

FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE AND THEN TAP
DANCING TO "SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT TWO BITS".

CAESAR: Nicely done.

FEDUX: Thank you, Lord Caesar. I try to please.

CAESAR: What news do you bring?

FEDUX: The late news.

CAESAR: And why?

FEDUX: Forgive me, Lord Caesar, I had a head cold.

CAESAR: And you stopped running?

FEDUX: All except my nose.

CAESAR: Very well.

FEDUX: I am now. Lord Caesar, firstly I bring you news from the Soothsayer.

CAESAR: Red Ruth?

FEDUX: Yes, Lord Caesar, Red Ruth the Toothless Soothsayer.

SENSUS: That is a mouthful.

CAESAR: You should see it on a business card.

FEDUX: She says to you, "Lord Caesar, beware, beware.... arrrchh, uuuuurss kk
aaaa blrrrrrr ahhhhhhh".

CAESAR: Good gods, get someone over there quickly, Sensus!

SENSUS: Why my Lord?

CAESAR: I think she’s choking on a peanut.

FEDUX: That would explain why she didn't tip me.

CAESAR: What other news do you carry?

FEDUX: My Lord, a parchment from His Royal Highness Nordsan Xerxes King
of Persia.

SENSUS: Allow me, Lord Caesar.

FEDUX: Wait just a moment.

PADLOCK AND KEY AND CHAIN UNDOING.

CAESAR: Interesting concept, Fedux.

FEDUX: Thank you, Lord Caesar. Just another security measure.

SENSUS: Chaining it to your left nipple?!

CAESAR: Aren't you worried about having it ripped off?

FEDUX: No, I have a patent pending.

UNROLLING SCROLL.

SENSUS: Lord Caesar, I give you good tidings and on those tidings sails my ship
The Sadistic Lemming. It brings to you 100,000 gold pieces as a tribute.

CAESAR: But I…

SENSUS: There is more.

CAESAR: I feared that.

SENSUS: It also carries my daughter.

CAESAR: Belina the Beautiful?

SENSUS: No, Shadana the Personality.

CAESAR: Ugh, I thought as much. This is an act of war.

SENSUS: But wait there's more.

CAESAR: More?

SENSUS: A set of steak knives.

CAESAR: Damn! I just bought a set! You know, Sensus, her sister…

SENSUS: Belina the Beautiful?

CAESAR: That's her, a face that could launch a thousand ships.

SENSUS: And Shadana the Personality?

CAESAR: I think her name says it all. Besides I’m married!

SENSUS: Fedux, please wait in the anti-chamber for a return message.

FEDUX: Very well, my Lords. Ave.

FEET RUNNING AND FADING.

CAESAR: This is serious.

SENSUS: I do have a solution, Lord Caesar.

THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Cuff Em)

THEME/ JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It was 3:15pm and the forecast didn't look good and I'd forgotten my
umbrella. It was a neat umbrella with a handle made of real plastic,
none of that imitation crap. Adhere had just admitted to being a client
of Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars.

THEME OUT.

But how could you afford his consultation fees, Adhere?

ADHERE: I sold my body for sinful activities.

DICK: Medical testing, eh?

ADHERE: Yes and my mother would be so ashamed.

DICK: One more question. Where were you when the Lemming took
the jump?

ADHERE: Why I was next to you.

DICK: And so you were. Come on Petra, we have our suspect just within our
grasp.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

It was 5:15 pm and the net was closing. We high-tailed it to Cecil
Lardbottom's house to speak with the butler, Butler.

KNOCKING ON DOOR. THEN DOOR OPENING.

BUTLER: Ah, Detective Clever, Miss Petra, I take it you are after Mr.
Lardbottom?

DICK: Actually no. I need to know one thing, from you.

MENACING CHORD.

BUTLER: I’m not sure how I can help.

DICK: Two evenings ago you were polishing the knobs on the front door of
the house.

BUTLER: Why yes.

DICK: Using a small rodent and beeswax.

BUTLER: Good god, you're good. It gives the best shine.

DICK: And in doing so, you left the door open.

BUTLER: Only for a moment.

DICK: But that was enough.

BUTLER: I feel so dirty.

DICK: Come on Petra, it is all coming together like a Swedish picnic in spring.

BUTLER: I miss those days.

RUNNING FEET.

DICK: Can't this car go any faster?

PETRA: Here I'll put on the overdrive.

FEET QUICKEN.

DICK: Here, stop here.

CAR DOORS OPEN

Just in here.

DOOR BURST OPEN.

Don't move, Regina.

REGINA: Why Dick, why not ring the doorbell?

DICK: No time. Let me paint a little picture for you.

REGINA: Portrait or landscape? I'm not posing nude again.

DICK: For crying out loud, it’s just an expression! Anyway, It didn't make
sense until it all made sense. Firstly, Larry the Lemming was pushed.

REGINA: Was he?

DICK: You know he was. Because you were behind the pushing. Larry was
indeed the rat that was spilling the beans about the Mercutio Murders,
but that wasn't it, was it? That crumb on the tong was not from a cod
piece but from a red herring!

GENTLE SUSPENFUL TINKLING ON PIANO.

REGINA: I don't understand.

DICK: Larry was drawing me to the tongs because it was the sauce.

PETRA: The beginning?

DICK: No. Tongs for a barbecue, barbecue means meat and meat needs
sauce. Lots of tomato. And who's ripe and red around here, eh
Regina?

REGINA: Is that some sort of riddle?

DICK: And poor Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars. He couldn't fix your little
problem because you weren't there to see him for your own problem
but for his little problem. He couldn't resist a loose woman and you
couldn't resist his loose wallet. So you wooed him only to find out that
he was cheating on you with a man. Your own brother.

PETRA: The body in the bay?

DICK: That's right. So now you are seen leaving the scene of the crime and
confronted by your jealous lover Larry the Lemming's brother,
Garry the Gerbil, whom you dispatched with equal callousness.

PETRA: The body in the alley or the body by the dock?

DICK: It was both, he was schizophrenic.

GENTLE SUSPENSFUL TINKLING ON PIANO.

But then to throw me off the scent, whilst passing the door of Mr
Cecil Lardbottom, Butler the butler was out front and left the door
slightly ajar. Through that door, you saw the unforgettable sight of Mr
Lardbottom dancing in his thong.

MENACING CHORDS AND A SCREAM.

And knowing that Pierre would already be implicated by the fact that
you used his fish fingers in every murder, that Ipso Facto and ooh lala
Cecil Longbottom would become our prime mover and shaker.

PETRA: He’s really not a good dancer.

REGINA: Great singer though. He can really hit those…

DICK: Focus! So, Regina, are you going to come clean or are we going to
have to get real evidence?

REGINA: (SOBS) Okay, okay. I admit it. It was me! I am the Cod Piece Murderer.
I killed for love I tell you. It was all for love.

DICK: Can only wonder what you'd do for hate. Cuff her Petra and take her
down to the station.

CUFFS BEING PLACED.

REGINA: But tell me, Dick, how did you know?

DICK: It was Red Tinkles' murder which gave it away. That fish finger was
thrust up the nose of Red in a twisting action like this

GENTLE SUSPENSUL TINKLING ON PIANO.

and only a left-handed person could have done this.

REGINA: But I'm right-handed.

DICK: Or a right-handed person standing behind Red.

REGINA: Damn, you're good.

DICK: Take her away, Petra.

PEOPLE MOVING OUT. JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

8:23 and the neon light shone through the bent venetian blinds across
my desk. I had been lucky, but only because of fate. I lifted a whisky to
my parched lips and took a swig.

SWIGG. JAZZ HORN OUT. PHONE RING.

Come in.

PETRA: Well. Great outcome Detective Dick.

DICK: Thank you Petra. Time you went home.

PETRA: Actually, I have some unfinished business with the case.

DICK: Really?

PETRA: I still have to frisk Pierre.

DICK: But we have the murderer.

PETRA: I know!

THEME IN AND OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Gavin Jones, Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver,
Thomas Taufan, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones