Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 025 - A Good Frisking at the Party)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(News, International News)

THEME SONG.

NEWS ANCHOR: Good afternoon. Today the Prime Minister's approval rating has
slipped in the Polls, however, his ratings have improved with the
Germans and remains flat with the French.

In State Parliament, the Premier has moved to stifle debate over the
new road tax bill by closing down parliament citing rodent infestation.
The leader of the opposition said that he smelled a rat and the
Premier thanked him for his support.

The police have put out a warning for people masquerading as a
religious order of lepers in order to gain donations. They are wearing
white full length cloaks, shouting "unclean" and genuflecting twice
thereafter. Police have said they are nothing more than dirty double
crossers.

In international news, we have this report sent in by our
correspondent in Ithinkhan.

CORRESPONDENT: (INTELLIGABLE REPORTING AT ITS FINEST.)

NEWS ANCHOR: We apologise for that report and promise to bring it to you again with
subtitles.

Locally, Doctors have claimed that they have found the cure for
chronically arthritic hands but are disappointed so far, with the pick
up rate of patients.

Lord Crustly Westinghouse-Fridgely, Britain's longest serving Peer in
the House of Lords will retire from public life next week. It has been
confirmed that he has served a total of 87 years by archaeological
experts who have counted the layers of dust.

And now we cross to Jack Smith for our region weather wrap up. Jack
how is it looking?

JACK: Dry

NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, Jack. Stay tuned for more news.

THEME SONG.
END

(Ed & Ted, The Party)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: "We'll all be ruined" said Hanrahan! And he was the local optimist
too. Ah, welcome my friends, to that little road that wanders down
memory lane and into the little outback township called dementia.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

TED: Ed.

ED: Ted.

TED: 'ow are yeh?

ED: Not bad.

TED: Not bad?

ED: Not bad.

TED: Great turnout at yeh party.

ED: Yeah.

TED: Hadn't seen yeh Mum and Dad fer a spell.

ED: Yeah. Me too.

TED: Nah. I saw yeh the day before with 'em.

ED: Nah, yer got the wrong end of the broom.

TED: Eh?

ED: I meant I hadn't seen yer parents fer a spell.

TED: Oh.

ED: Oh?

TED: Oh. I do wish you'd be more concise with yer language.

ED: Buggered if I'm not.

TED: Buggered yar.

ED: We goin' to come to blows over this?

TED: Nah, jist sayin'.

ED: Okay.

TED: It was good to see yeh brother.

ED: Yeah. He 'asn't visited fer a spell.

TED: Nah. He looked good.

ED: Looked good?

TED: Yeah. Not bumpin' into things.

ED: Oh, looked good. Yeah, new glasses.

TED: Oh yeah. That'll do it.

ED: Too right.

TED: An 'oo was that sheila 'oo spent half the night chatting up me father?

ED: The one in the red skirt, like?

TED: Yeah, that's 'er.

ED: That was yeh mother.

TED: Really?

ED: Really.

TED: Straight up and down like?

ED: Straight wire.

TED: Not stirring the possum?

ED: I told yer, straight wire.

TED: I 'aven't seen 'er in a while neither.

ED: Obviously.

TED: An oo was that guy with the mo and limp?

ED: Mo and limp?

TED: Yeah, the mo and limp.

ED: Oh 'im. That was me Aunt Jean.

TED: Oh, Aunt Jean?

ED: Yeah, y'know, used to be...

TED: Used to be?

ED: Used to be Uncle Jack.

TED: Crikey. What 'appened?

ED: 'e ad the 'op.

TED: 'ad the op?

ED: Yeah, y'know, the ol' stumpin'.

TED: What?

ED: Cricket, like.

TED: Cricket like?

ED: A stumpin'.

TED: Oh, they knocked his bails off.

ED: That's the ticket.

TED: Strueth. Then 'oo was that broad that kept on chattin' wiv me, like?

ED: Near the end of the party?

TED: Yeah.

ED: The one in the cream shirt and big Akubra?

TED: Yeah, that's her. I tried to give her the brush off in case me wife
caught a gecko.

(PAUSE)

ED: Ted?

TED: Yes, cobber.

ED: That was yer wife.

TED: Strueth.

ED: Yeah, strueth.

TED: Answers a question though.

ED: What's that?

TED: Why she wasn't talkin' to me this morning.

STOCK WHIP.

THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Patriots Syndrome)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 9:55 and a mist rolled in from the lounge room as we were
questioning the enormous character of Cecil Lardbottom. He was the
only man known to have had a lag time between laughing and coming
to a complete rest measured in days.

THEME OUT.

So you don't deny wearing a thong supplied by Pierre?

LARDBOTTOM: And why should I?

DICK: So you don't deny it?

LARDBOTTOM: Not at all. In fact, I am proud of my underwear. Here, have a look.

FLAG-LOWERING FOLLOWD BY A SCREAM.

So what do you think?

DICK: I'm never going to eat sago pudding again.

LARDBOTTOM: Petra, feel free to inspect this model of true masculinity.

DICK: She can't.

LARDBOTTOM: And why not?

DICK: She's in the foetal position in the corner.

LARDBOTTOM: Ha ha! I can have that effect on people.

PETRA: So much, just so much…where does it end? Where does it begin?

DICK: Okay, you’ve had your fun. Pull them back up, please.

FLAG RAISING AND ZIPPER BEING DRAWN UP.

DICk (CONT’D: Thank you. Now come on Petra, it’s all over now.

PETRA: But, it was huge and…

DICK: Yes, it seemed to have a life force of its own.

LARDBOTTOM: So, have I answered your questions?

DICK: And possibly a few more on how the universe was created.

LARDBOTTOM: Ohhh good, I do like to be educational. Wouldn't you like to see my corset? Pierre had it
done specially.

DICK: I think we’re good.

LARDBOTTOM: Come on, you don’t appreciate his work until…

DICK: Run Petra!

FEET RUNNING AWAY. THEN JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

So Pierre had little to hide and what he did hide was of interest,
especially to Petra, and Lardbottom had nothing to hide and should've
hidden it all. To my dying day, that vision is etched onto the back of
my eyeballs and no amount of drinking was going to take it away.

JAZZ HORN OUT.

10:20 and we made it back to the office deeply scarred, emotionally.

Petra, we have a hand full of nothings but fish fingers and a morgue
full of dead people.

PETRA: That is a little redundant.

DICK: What?

PETRA: Well a morgue full of dead people is redundant because that is what
a morgue usually has. So if you said you had a full morgue or a
morgue full of living people then there is no redundancy.

DICK: I hadn't thought of that, but you're right. Okay, we have no leads that
add up. What would you do?

PETRA: I really think that Pierre needs a good frisking.

DICK: There is a common thread that is entwined all the way
through this tapestry of lies and deceit. A common thread that if
pulled would bring down the trousers of the murderer like a deck of
cards on a windy day.

PETRA: I wouldn't really know where to begin with correcting that one.

DICK: We need to speak again with a few people. Come on Petra, we’re
getting close.

PETRA: Not too close.

DICK: Sorry, I meant to the answers.

PETRA: Right.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It all started to make sense. But we needed to speak with Constable
Adhere. He had been at every scene quicker than anyone else. He had
the keys to the evidence room and he, and only he had a glow-in-the-
dark nightstick. This didn't tie in with the murders, but it was strange.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: Adhere, you here?

ADHERE: Ah yes. Dick, I'll be right with you. I just need to file this here file.

DICK: Which file?

ADHERE: That it is.

DICK: Which?

ADHERE: That's right.

DICK: A file....

ADHERE: On the witchcraft case.

DICK: Ah yes. What did you file it under?

ADHERE: B.

DICK: B?

ADHERE: B from break.

DICK: For the Witchcraft?

ADHERE: Well a break is when you take a spell, ain't it?

JAZZ HORN.

DICK: His logic was bewildering which he would say had something to do
with wildebeest.

JAZZ HORN OUT.

ADHERE: Right, well Dick, what can I help you with?

DICK: You were first to the scene of the Red Tinkles murder, Urologist to the
Stars.

ADHERE: That’s right.

DICK: Now Adhere, think carefully. Was the fish finger….

ADHERE: In the right nostril.

DICK: Yes. But think carefully. Was it inserted from this direction, or this
direction?

ADHERE: Ohhh. Dick. That's a hard one. I think it was, yes I'm sure it was put in
this way.

DICK: Ahah! Right. And when you found the body, was he smiling.

ADHERE: My goodness, Dick however did you know?

DICK: And more than this, you were wearing a black thong.

ADHERE: Oh my goodness, I am so ashamed.

DICK: Why?

ADHERE: I should've been wearing the red one, it was happy hour.

DICK: No, that's not the reason. The reason you were the first to the scene, was that you were on your
way to see Red Tinkles.

ADHERE: Alright I admit it.

GENTLE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC TINKLING ON A PIANO.

DICK: But you didn't kill him, did you?

ADHERE: (BREAKING DOWN) No, no I didn't. It's was just that I have this problem.

DICK: And what problem is that?

ADHERE: I have Patriot's syndrome.

DICK: Patriot's syndrome?

ADHERE: It's a rare condition where you pee in red, white and blue.

MENACING CHORD AND THEN THEME IN AND OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Hester van der Vyver, Cheng, Nate Gothard, Thomas
Taufan.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones