Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 024 - Tongs for the Memories)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Dick Clever, Tongs for the Memories)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, my next lead lay dead on the slab in Doc's room. Or at least his
head. Who had killed Ernest Nutpucker and why had he ordered a
large quantity of fish fingers? It was late and I had yet another dead
end or end dead....

PHONE RINGS.

Come in.

DOOR OPENING.

Regina?

REGINA: Why, hello there Dicky bird.

DICK: What brings you here?

REGINA: A taxi and a pair of high heels.

DICK: Why was the taxi in high heels?

REGINA: It's more fashionable.

DICK: So, what do you have for me?

REGINA: It might not be anything.

DICK: Try me.

REGINA: I overheard a conversation.

DICK: And where were you?

REGINA: Let's not be indiscrete.

DICK: So, what did you hear?

REGINA: It was a phone call between Pierre and Cecil.

DICK: Lardbottom?

REGINA: Bitch.

SLAP.

DICK: I meant Cecil Lardbottom.

REGINA: Oh, sorry, Dick.

DICK: So it was Lardbottom?

REGINA: Yes.

DICK: And what did they say?

REGINA: Pierre said, " 'ello?" and then Cecil said, "Hello Pierre".

DICK: Cut to the chase, would you, Regina?

REGINA: Do I chase you first?

DICK: I meant with the conversation.

REGINA: Yes, okay. Cecil asked Pierre if he had the tongs.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: Are you sure?

REGINA: I am positive.

DICK: Really. Should I be tested too?

REGINA: I meant about the conversation.

DICK: Of course.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

So, it all starts to gel. Lardbottom asks Pierre where the tongs are. The
tongs that I had in evidence. The tongs that tie both of them into the
Mercutio Murders and therefore the Cod Piece Murders.

It was time to tighten the fish net.

BIG BEN BELL.

The next day Petra and I paid a visit to Pierre.

PIERRE: Well, 'ello, if it is not ze Detective Clever and his beautiful assistant
Petra. What may I do for you?

DICK: Let me paint a pretty little picture, Pierre.

PIERRE: Very well, would you like me clothed or in the altogether?

PETRA: In the altogether, please.

DICK: Painting a picture is just an expression. You Pierre, the very same
person is standing there in front of me, was asked by none other
than Cecil Lardbottom, where were the tongs?

PIERRE: Sacrebleu! 'ow could you know of such a 'appening?

DICK: It doesn't matter how I know, I just know that you now know I know.

PIERRE: Ah no!

DICK: And now you know you must spill the beans.

PIERRE: Very well.

BEANS FALLING ON THE FLOOR.

I, I don’t know 'ow zis 'elps.

DICK: It was just an expression. To spill the beans, to tell me what you know.

PIERRE: Ah, Pierre now understands. Cecil, he asks me, "Pierre where are ze
thongs".

DICK: You mean tongs.

PIERRE: I certainly do not. I mean Thongs.

DICK: Thongs?

PIERRE: Mais oiu. Let me explain. In my spare time I sell ze undergarments.

DICK: Underwear?

PIERRE: No, at my 'ome. Mais oui. Specifically, I sell ze thong.

DICK: A thong?

PIERRE: Oiu! "ere I am wearing one now, have a look.

PETRA: Ohh yes. Now that's worth seeing.

PIERRE: Merci, mon petite.

DICK: So, why would Cecil…

PIERRE: Oh, 'e wears them as well.

DICK: Oh lord...that's not right.

PIERRE: It is a much larger size. In fact, I must 'ave them specially made for
him.

DICK: Out of what?

PIERRE: 'ow you say, a spinnaker sheet?

DICK: Petra I don't think you need to examine Pierre's thong that closely.

PETRA: We must verify his story and I don't mind.

PIERRE: Neizzer do I.

JAZZ HORN BLOWING UNDER:

DICK: So now the hard part of the matter. We had to confront Cecil
Lardbottom with the facts. Did he indeed order the over-sized g-
string from Pierre?

Or was it all a cover, as much as a cover as it could be? 9:45 on a damp morning we were
greeted at the door by Butler, the butler.

JAZZ HORN OUT.

BUTLER: I expect you are here to see Mr. Lardbottom, detective.

DICK: Thank you Butler.

BUTLER: My pleasure, Sir. Please wait here.

FOOTSTEPS OFF.

DICK: So what do you think about Pierre?

PETRA: He's got a lovely, firm ar…

DICK: I meant about the case.

FOOTSTEPS BACK.

BUTLER: Mr. Lardbottom will see you now.

DICK: Thank you.

DOOR OPENING.

LARDBOTTOM: Why Detective, and young Petra what a pleasant surprise.

DICK: Cecil. Is it true that you ordered underwear from Pierre?

LARDBOTTOM: Why yes. Thongs to be exact.

DICK: So you don't deny it?

LARDBOTTOM: On the contrary..... let me show you.

LONG ZIPPER.

DICK AND PETRA: No!

THEME IN AND OUT.

(On the Roman Nose, Accounted For)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A
FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: Sensus?

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Who is the first to report, today?

SENSUS: Morose the Empire's Chief Accountant.

CAESAR: Oh no, not her.

SENSUS: I am afraid so.

CAESAR: No.

SENSUS: Yes. She is to give an account for the Northern regions.

CAESAR: I have no doubt that she is a very gifted but Sensus, by gods, she
could bore the spots off a leopard.

SENSUS: Indeed, Caesar. Her personality lacks somewhat.

CAESAR: Lacks somewhat? My goodness me, I've had brighter conversations
with a mangled mouse. I would prefer to have a tooth extracted.

SENSUS: Shall I send for her?

CAESAR: (SIGHS) Very well, better to get it over and done with early.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

GUARD 2: (MORE DISTANT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA): More Hose for Brief Encounters, More Hose for brief
encounters, report to Lord Caesar.

DOOR OPENING AND VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS.

CAESAR: Didn't you get that fixed?

SENSUS: Still trying.

CAESAR: Ave Morose.

MOROSE: (COMPLETELY MONOTONE) Ave....... my Lord.

CAESAR: What news do you bring?

MOROSE: Oh… the usual, my Lord. The provinces have all contributed well. In
fact the empire has increased the nett profit by 13.47890876567903567…

SENSUS: Get on with it.

MOROSE: 45701 Percent.

CAESAR: That is excellent.

MOROSE: Seasonally adjusted, the figure is actually 13. 567890934.

CAESAR: We get the idea.

MOROSE: Forgive me, I need to be accurate.

SENSUS: Indeed, you are known for your accuracy.

CAESAR: (ASIDE) Mind numbing accuracy.

MOROSE: Sorry my Lord?

CAESAR: Nothing, go on.

MOROSE: All tributes are in, excepting the Norse province of Snooooo de
Vorrrrrr.

CAESAR: Pardon?

SENSUS: The Province of Snooooo de Vorrrrrr is just to the North of the
province of Able Crutchly.

CAESAR: Ah, where I get those cod pieces from?

SENSUS: That's it.

CAESAR: Nothing like a delectable cod piece, eh, Morose?

MOROSE: If you say so, my Lord.

SENSUS: Battered of course.

CAESAR: Brings a tear to my eye.

SENSUS: Sorry, my Lord?

CAESAR: Battered cod pieces.

SENSUS: Oh, yes, very good, sir. Anyway, what seems to be the problem?

MOROSE: We sent them a request for a tribute to Rome.

CAESAR: And?

MOROSE: They sent this back.

CAESAR: A letter?

MOROSE: Yes, Caesar.

CAESAR: Read it then.

MOROSE: It says "Lord Caesar has nice nipples".

SENSUS: I fear they misinterpreted the meaning of tribute.

CAESAR: No doubt, but still, I have had worse.

MOROSE: Shall I send out a garrison?

CAESAR: No. I have a meeting later with the Centurion from Able Crutchly, I'll
get him to sort it out.

MOROSE: I am sure I can fix it.

CAESAR: No, I think…

MOROSE: I can be very persuasive.

CAESAR: No, don't you worry about a thing.

MOROSE: Please...

CAESAR: No. Now you are the accountant for the Empire and frankly, it is most
important that you care for your books.

MOROSE: Very well.

CAESAR: That's the ticket.

MOROSE: I'll get back to my books.

CAESAR: Good lad.

MOROSE: (SIGHS)

CAESAR: What is wrong now, Morose?

MOROSE: Well, it’s just, I feel that I have been typecast.

CAESAR: Typecast?

SENSUS: I think that Morose, feels that she has more to offer the Empire.

CAESAR: Is that right Morose?

MOROSE: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: But you are such a fine accountant.

MOROSE: But I wasn't always an accountant.

CAESAR: Really?

MOROSE: No Caesar, I once was an undertaker.

CAESAR: Interesting. Then why the change to accounting?

MOROSE: My employer said that I didn't have the personality to carry it off.

CAESAR: I see. Well…Ave Morose.

MOROSE: Ave Caesar.

FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSING.

SENSUS: Well I'm glad that is over. What shall we do with the Norse men?

CAESAR: Send an envoy to explain, I don't think there will be a problem.

SENSUS: And the letter?

CAESAR: Frame it! Nice nipples indeed!

THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan,
Gavin Jones, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones