Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 023 - Who's Askin'?)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Dick Clever, Getting Ahead)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: We had just started the questioning of the giant food distributor Cecil
Lardbottom. The only man in history, whose stomach was affected by
the moon's gravity.

THEME OUT.

LARDBOTTOM: I have nothing to hide, Detective.

DICK: Then what's that behind you?

LARDBOTTOM: Where?

DICK: There!

LARDBOTTOM: It's a wall.

DICK: Goodness, so it is. So tell me, where were you on Monday the
15th at 4:13 exactly?

LARDBOTTOM: Is that exactly pm or am?

DICK: Exactly pm.

LARDBOTTOM: I was exactly there.

DICK: Where?

LARDBOTTOM: Just there. I remember as I received a phone call from Ernest
Nutpucker.

DICK: Ernest Puttnucker?

LARDBOTTOM: No. Ernest Nutpucker.

DICK: I see. And what did he want?

LARDSBOTTOM: Let me see. Ah, here it is. He wanted a large supply of, well, I'll be… a
supply of fish fingers, Piere's to be exact.

DICK: And where will we find this Ernest Puttnucker?

LARDBOTTOM: Nutpucker. He works out of a small grass hut on 2nd and North
streets.

DICK: Thank you for this, but Cecil, I'll ask you not to leave town for a few
days.

LARDBOTTOM: Believe me, it takes me that long to get to the front door.

JAZZ HORN BLOWING UNDERNEATH:

We left Mr. Lardbottom to his own devices, which seemed numerous
and walked onto the street. It was then that my phone rang.

PHONE RINGING.

This wasn't much good as it was still on my desk.

Adhere!

ADHERE: Yes, to be sure. Dick your phone’s ringing.

DICK: The one on my desk?

ADHERE: Yes. Would you like me to get it?

DICK: Why not?

ADHERE: Wait here.

PERSON RUNNING AWAY AND THEN RUNNING BACK.

Well, here it is.

DICK: That's my desk.

ADHERE: Yes. I said your phone was ringing on your desk and you asked me to
get it.

DICK: Right. Now get me the phone.

ADHERE: Right you are, Dick.

FEET RUNNING OFF, THEN RUNNING BACK WITH RINGING PHONE.

Here it is.

DICK: Thank you...

RINGING STOPS.

Damn, isn't that always the way?

ADHERE: Don't worry they'll call back.

PHONE RINGING.

What did I tell you?

PHONE BEING PICKED UP.

DICK: Hello?

DOC: Dick?

DICK: Doc?

DOC: Dick, I have something hot for you, you'd better get down here.

DICK: Is that you Doc? Because I’ll only fall for that…

DOC: It’s serious.

DICK: Be right there.

PHONE HANGING UP.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It was only then that I realised that the chord to my phone was really,
really long.

JAZZ HORN OUT. DOOR OPENING.

DOC: Ah, Dick.

DICK: Hello Doc, how are you?

DOC: Better than this poor chap.

DICK: Another body?

DOC: Well just his head.

DICK: Where’s the body?

DOC: That's the question. The head was found in the middle of a football
field with a fish finger up its nose. The body is nowhere to be seen.

DICK: So, I guess we can rule out suicide.

DOC: Here read this.

DICK: Mould pastry, fill and bake for fifteen minutes at 230 degrees.

DOC: I thought as much.

BUZZER.

Here they are now.

DICK: Oh wow, Raspberry tarts. Mmm, yeah, they’re to die for.

DOC: Why thank you, Dick. Now coffee?

DICK: Yes please.

PETRA: Thanks Doc. What are these marks on the side?

DOC: That's where the murderers used a spoon to sever the poor fellow's
head.

PETRA: Wow. And what's that?

DOC: Oh that Petra, is what is left of the right eye.

PETRA: Oh, and what is this?

DOC: That, my dear is a little nutmeg.

PETRA: It really brings out the flavour.

DOC: I sprinkle it over the pastry before I fill it.

DICK: Really good Doc. Now what is the cause of death?

DOC: I think it is drowning.

DICK: Drowning?

DOC: Yes, in custard.

PETRA: In custard?

DOC: Yes. See how it is still dribbling out the mouth. And worse still....

MENACING CHORD.

It is a packaged custard.

DICK: Do you have any cream, Doc?

DOC: No, it was only custard.

DICK: I meant for the tart.

DOC: Oh I am sorry, dear boy. Of course, whipped or natural?

DICK: Whipped please Doc. So, who is he?

DOC: This dear Dick, is Earnest Nutpucker.

THEME SONG IN AND OUT.

(Ed & Ted, Mindreading)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Ah, take it all in, the sunlit plains extended, with sheep dry roasting on
them. Come with me now, down the little road to a land that time
forgot, as did the post, rail and several other Government services.
Except the tax man, he has a memory like an elephant.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow yeh going?

TED: Not bad.

ED: Not bad?

TED: Not bad.

ED: Okay, I guess.

TED: What?

ED: I'm okay I guess.

TED: Who's askin'?

ED: I thought you did?

TED: Nah, ya sloppy bugger.

(PAUSE)

ED: Sorry.

TED: No worries.

(PAUSE)

TED (CONT’D): So 'ow are yeh?

ED: Okay, I guess.

TED: Yeh guess?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Fair enough.

ED: She's well.

TED: 'oo's well?

ED: The missus.

TED: 'oo's askin'?

ED: Sorry, I thought yeh did.

TED: Nah.

(PAUSE)

ED: Sorry.

TED: No worries.

(PAUSE)

So 'ow's the missus?

ED: Not bad.

TED: Good.

ED: Thanks fer asking.

TED: No worries.

ED: Eventually.

TED: Yeah.

ED: Apart from the limp he's well.

TED: 'oo?

ED: Blue.

TED: But I never said nothing about yeh dog.

ED: Didn't ya?

TED: Nah.

ED: Dinkum?

TED: Straight up and down like.

ED: Really?

(PAUSE)

TED: So 'ow is...

ED: Blue's fine.

TED: Apart from the limp.

ED: Yeah.

TED: So, yeh…

ED: Parents are fine, thanks.

TED: Oh, that's good.

ED: Not bad.

TED: So yer coming to the pub?

ED: Nah.

TED: Nah?

ED: Nah, can't mate.

TED: Why not?

ED: Oh, the missus makes me do this night course, don't she!?

TED: Really?

ED: Honest like.

TED: What…

ED: Telepathy.

TED: Really?

ED: Yeah, dinkum.

TED: Any good.

ED: Nah, waste of dosh.

CROW CAWS AND THEN GUNS SHOT.

THEME OUT.

(Old Edgar, Navy)

DOCKSIDE NOISES.

OLD EDGAR: I made me way down to the docks an strike me down with a feather
Hammer, weren’t it a sight for blind eyes. All that movement an
colour and flags, like, oh It were beautiful. Even the scum floating on
the water 'ad it's charm. Anyways I went down to see if I could get
work, like. A big burly man with a club came up and hit me one right
on the nut, he did. It didn’t so much 'urt as deafen half the village. I
say's, ah up what you do that for? An 'e looks round quite astounded
like an says that he was trying to knock me out to get me on board a
vessel to serve in the Queen's navy. I looks 'im right in his left eye,
cause his right one was looking the other way, an I says, you didn't
have to do that, I'd be happy to serve with 'er Majesties Navy.

With that he stood aside and welcomed me on board with the gentle
words of "what a git". So I began my career as able seaman Edgar on
that mighty vessel the HMS Impotent. Oooh, she was a beautiful ship,
equipped with three state of the art muskets and a rather sharp barge
poll. We were so proud to give our little bit to save this mighty fine
empire of ours. So in our finest sailor suits, we went to war. I
remember the crowds cheering on the docks, the young mothers
waving to each of their loved ones in turn and the old men waving
their hats. So off we goes and just as we make good the harbour,
boom! We gets hit by a gerry torpedo and down goes the poor ol'
Impotent.

Oh, it was awful stuff, men swimming in the water, an oil on fire and
everything like. Then it happened. Without a word of lie, I can tell you
we had a miracle. Yes, a miracle. Our Lord and Maker looked down
and took pity on his little creations swimming in the water like. With
that, the tide went out and there we all were standing on a sand bar.
"oly smoke it were grand, we up and went back to land without loss of
life excepting the ones that died.

I remembers going to church that Sunday and thanking God for his
mercy and hoping that he would extend his love to the Hun and kill
the bastards. Not all like, just the ones that didn't like us.

It was then that I decides to leave the Navy and pursues me own
adventures and I signs up on a merchant ship that is going to far off
foreign lands, like America, Australia, India, Africa and the Incontinent.

It wasn't that the Captain ad to, it was just that the navigator was
taken with the drink, like. And so the little vessel sailed toward a
setting sun with yours truly on board looking for me first adventure
over the briny. I wondered what the expression would be like on Ol
mum's face when she learned that 'er little Edgar was off overseas?
Oh well, I'd have to wait until I could write her a letter and then
imagine her response, cause 'till then you could never predict 'ow she
take such news. Not on a Friday anyways.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Cheng,
Thomas Taufan, Nicholas Papademetriou.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.
END.