Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 022 - It hadn’t Rained, it was just Wet)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Dick Clever, Deny the Undeniable)

THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 5:15 on a wet afternoon. It hadn't rained, it was just wet. We had just entered Pierre Pousson's
famous bakery to question Pierre himself. I just confronted him with a fish finger packet with
his name all over it. It was time to conclude this investigation into the cod piece murders.

THEME OUT.

DICK: So, Pierre do you deny that this is your fish finger packet?

PIERRE: 'ow can I deny it, it 'as my name all over ze packet, look 'ere, Pierre!
And 'ere Pierre's Pousson's famous fish fingers and 'ere Cod Pieces
battered by Pierre 'imself. My name is Pierre, I am the one who
battered, therefore, it is mine!

DICK: Don't try to deny it.

PIERRE: I am not denying nothing.

DICK: When you say you are not denying nothing, are you saying that you
are not denying it or that you are denying it?

PIERRE: Oui!

DICK: I'm glad we cleared that up.

PIERRE: So am I. Probationary Constable Petra, I noticed that you had an eye on my buns.

PETRA: I apologise for the lack of subtly, but…they do look, firm.

PIERRE: Ah, that they are. Here, please have one.

PETRA: Thank you.

PIERRE: But not for you, Detective Dick, asking all these absurd questions.

DICK: Absurd questions, Pierre? We are talking murder and the worst type.
Ones with crumbed fish involved.

PIERRE: 'Ow could you suspect me? Uh? Why would I kill people and leave a
fish finger, my fish finger? Would that not point ze finger back at moi?

DICK: Not unless you wanted to throw suspicion off your trail by throwing it
on in such an obvious way, and you could just be of that ilk.

PIERRE: But I do not use ilk.

DICK: What?

PIERRE: With the big horns, I do not use ze ilk.

DICK: But you do use mousse.

PIERRE: I do and it not only tastes great and chocolatey but it keeps my 'air in
place?

DICK: I see. Can it take out the grey?

PIERRE: For me, oui, for you it may be touch and go.

DICK: Who else has access to your fingers?

PIERRE: (CHUCKLES) Well, half of the women….

DICK: Your fish fingers?

PIERRE: Ah, zat is a different matter. Anyone who purchases them from ze
store and my distributor.

DICK: Who is?

PIERRE: Monsieur Cecil Lardbottom.

DICK: The Cecil Lardbottom?

PIERRE: I did not know that "ze" was his first name. I thought that it was Cecil. But I think there is only
one Lardbottom in town.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: He was right. This town was only big enough for one Lardbottom and
then only just. Cecil Lardbottom was a self-made man. He started
with nothing and grew into the giant he is today. He was a man larger
than life and believe me, he was large, he liked it that way. Why have
cake when you can the whole goddamn bakery? Speaking of bakeries,
Pierre had little to hide. Particularly wearing that frilly apron women
so loved. So Petra and I went to see one Mr. Lardbottom.

JAZZ HORN OUT. KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENING.

BUTLER: May I help you?

DICK: I'm here to see Mr. Lardbottom.

BUTLER: Do you have an appointment?

DICK: We don't need one, read this.

BUTLER: Yes, sir. This entitles the bearer to one free massage with Salty
Sal.

DICK: Sorry, this one.

BUTLER: Detective Dick Clever. Ah, the constabulary. Very well, please come in
sir.

PEOPLE ENTERING AND DOOR CLOSING.

The young lady, is she your daughter?

PETRA: Why, thank you.

DICK: This is Petra Pattinson, a Probationary Constable.

BUTLER: Very good, sir.

DICK: Very good indeed.

BUTLER: I'm sure she is. Please wait here and I'll announce you to Mr.
Lardbottom.

DICK: Thank you.

MONEY BEING PASSED.

BUTLER: Thank you, sir.

PETRA: I don't think you tip butlers.

DICK: Really?

BUTLER: Mr. Lardbottom will see you now, sir.

DICK: Thank you. And what’s your name?

BUTLER: Butler, sir.

DICK: I know what you are. I’m after your name man.

BUTLER: It is my name. Eugene Butler.

DICK: Oh, I see.

BUTLER: Where name and profession meet.

DICK: I guess you're glad your name isn't Pat McGroin.

BUTLER: Oh, so you know the McGroin family, Sir?

MENACING CHORD. DOOR OPENS.

Detective Dick Clever and Probationary Constable Petra Pattinson, Sir.

LARDBOTTOM: (VERY JOVIAL) Well, hello Detective Clever, your reputation precedes
you.

DICK: As do certain parts of you.

LARDBOTTOM: Why thank you. And you must be the charming Petra.

PETRA: Thank you, Mr. Lardbottom.

LARDBOTTOM: Please, call me Cecil. Now what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?

DICK: We need to know what you know of the Cod Piece Murders.

LARDBOTTOM: Not much more than one reads in the papers.

DICK: Are you the distributer for Pierre Pousson's Fish Fingers?

LARDBOTTOM: I think that is one of our lines. Would you like me to check?

DICK: Humour me.

LARDBOTTOM: Why certainly.

MUSIC AND JINGLING

DICK: Why did you just dance?

LARDBOTTOM: You asked me to humour you.

DICK: I meant, can you find out about the fish fingers?

LARDBOTTOM: Oh, very well. Let me see, fish bones, fish cakes, fish dishes, yes here
it is, fish fingers.

DICK: So you don't deny it!

LARDBOTTOM: As I always say, detective, never deny the undeniable!

THEME IN AND OUT.

(Short Skits, Johnson)

SPORTING CROWD.

COMMENTATOR: It’s Johnson, he’s around one, he fends off another.
Ohhhh, he’s taken a huge hit, oh that’s had to hurt,
but wait he’s up again and going for it.... come on son,
you can do it. He’s past Cassan and Hugo he’s there,
he’s there for a hole in one... oh well done. No wonder
he’s the campion of extreme golf.

(On the Roman Nose, Peace)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!!

CROWD CHEERING, WATERFRONT, SEAGULLS, WATER LAPPING, A FOG
HORN.

SENSUS: Now, careful Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Thankyou Sensus, It has been an awfully long time since I’ve been
on a galley.

SENSUS: That’s it, just put your foot on that fellow there and…

MUFFLED SCREAM AND BONE BREAKING.

CAESAR: Very good. Now where are we off to today, Sensus?

SENSUS: Crete Lord Caesar. We are meeting with the Persian King Nordsan Xerxes.

CAESAR: They’ll need to write that one down to understand it….

SENSUS: The meeting will also be attended by the envoy from Israel.

CAESAR: Envoy Oivey?

SENSUS: That’s him. And the Egyptian envoy (SPITTING) Ptolemy.

BELL RING.

CAESAR: (SPITTING) Ptolomy?

BELL RING.

SENSUS: Yes. (SPITTING) Ptolomy.

BELL RING.

CAESAR: The last time we met was not good.

SENSUS: I am sure that he is just jealous of your relationship with Cleopatra.

CAESAR: If he is jealous I would be happy to fix him up with Cleo’s Mother.

CLEO’S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that!

CAESAR: Damn. (WHISPERING) Ears like a jackal.

SENSUS: Hears well?

CAESAR: That too.

SENSUS: Prepare my Lord, for we are about to depart.

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Please stand clear of all doors, stand all courtesans in their upright position and
pray to your chosen god or gods.

A DRUM BEAT

MEN: HUH!

WATER SPLASHING, OARS IN WATER.

HUH!

SONIC BOOM

AAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!

SPLASH OF WATER AS THE BOAT STOPS.

CAESAR: Here already?

SENSUS: Yes my Lord, this is an express galley.

CAESAR: I am impressed.

VOICE: And so now peace talks commence in a neutral room of a bipartisan villa owned by a Cretan
(pronounced Cretin).

VILLAGER: It’s Cretan!

CAESAR: Ah, King Nordsan Xerxes, how are you?

XERXES: Not bad, a little trouble with my left knee.

CAESAR: An old war wound?

XERXES: No skiing accident.

CAESAR: Shame. And Envoy Oivey how are you?

OIVEY: Ah you know Lord Caesar. We work hard, we save a little, be good to our mothers.

CAESAR: Funny thing, I bumped into your mother only yesterday and she said
she hadn’t heard from you.

OIVEY: She would.

CAESAR: Ah, well. And Envoy (SPITTING) Ptolomy.

BELL RINGS.

Oops, sorry about that, let me wipe it off.

PTOLOMY: Thank you. If left on it tarnishes the metal.

CAESAR: I can imagine.

SENSUS: My Lords and Envoys, thank you for your attendance today at these
fine facilities. As you are aware, we all crave peace in this region.

XERXES: Sorry, could you repeat that?

SENSUS: Sorry, my lords, we all crave pieces of this region.

XERXES: That’s better.

CAESAR: Absolutely.

SENSUS: Rome would like to annex Persia.

XERXES: That’s not so good.

CAESAR: Look Xerxes, we will send in a few troops, blow a little money. It
distracts the masses from our appalling administration.

PTOLOMY: It worked for Egypt. I mean the peasants are never so happy as when
you blow the health and services budget on a war they don’t understand.

XERXES: Look, I can see this. But I really want peace for a while longer.

CAESAR: And if we agree to peace, what is it worth?

XERXES: I’ll give you a tribute of 50,000 gold pieces and…

CAESAR: And?

XERXES: And my daughter’s hand in marriage.

CAESAR: Is this Shadana the Personality?

XERXES: Yes, the very same.

(PAUSE)

CAESAR: We’ll take the 50,000 in gold.

XERXES: And my daughter?

CAESAR: Just the gold, but thank you.

XERXES: How about 60,000 and my daughter?

CAESAR: How about 40,000 without?

XERXES: 80,000 with?

CAESAR: 20,000 without?

XERXES: 100,000 with?

CAESAR: Look, let’s just call it quits.

XERXES: You want to fight over her?

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan,
Gavin Jones, Linda Chong, Cheng.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones