Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 021 - A Legend in Batter, a Dash of Magic and a Pinch of Love)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Dick Clever, French Connection)

THEME / JAZZ HORN BLOWING PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, there we were, with Regina about to spill the beans, the ham and
several different condiments. She had seen the Urologist to the Stars,
Red Tinkles the day before his brutal murder. And in the urologist’s
office we had found an empty fish finger packet from the renowned
gourmet chef, Pierre Pousson.

REGINA: I’m sure it has something to do with Pierre. Did you see the tongs?

DICK: It all clicked, the tongs. The ones that Larry the Lemming had told me
to look at carefully.

REGINA: There is something about them that is unusual. But Dick?

DICK: Yes Regina?

REGINA: Be quick, for I fear another murder.

DICK: Who?

REGINA: Oh, no one. It that was a nonspecific, type of fear.

DICK: Okay Regina. Sit tight and lock your doors.

REGINA: After my appointment with the urologist sitting tight isn't a problem.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, 10:20 Petra and I made our way back to the precinct office and
down to the evidence room to have another look at those tongs.

BELL RINGING, COUNTERTOP TYPE.

ADHERE: I'm on me way!

DICK: Adhere?

ADHERE: Ah, I am sure it is me, in the very flesh.

DICK: Put some clothes on and then get me the tongs in the Mercutio
Murder Case.

ADHERE: Okay, hold on a tad.

LONG ZIPPER.

Right, you'll be wanting those tongs now, wouldn't you?

DICK: Thank you, Adhere.

FOOTSTEPS LEAVING AND SHUFFLING, BOXES.

ADHERE: Ah, (SINGING)

“One night and one more time,
Tongs for the memories
Even though they weren’t so clean”

DICK: C'mon Adhere, stick to the task at hand.

ADHERE: Oh, yes here they are.

RUSTLE OF A PLASTIC BAG.

DICK: No, Adhere, these are the Mercutios of the Tong Murder.

ADHERE: Ah I am sorry. Let me get that.

ADHERE SKIPPING AWAY.

PETRA: Sir, what was that about the Tong murder?

DICK: Tong was a triad member out of Hong Kong.

PETRA: Chinese?

DICK: No, his surname was Van Der Hoogan Bard.

PETRA: Dutch?

DICK: No, he was Peruvian.

PETRA: And his Mercutios?

DICK: They were knocked off just before he was murdered.

PETRA: By whom?

DICK: The Swedish Mafia.

PETRA: Swedish Mafia?

DICK: They didn't last long as so very few people took their accents
seriously. In fact, there is a theory that Tong wasn't murdered but
laughed himself to death when they threatened "skär hans mage med
dotterns ben."

PETRA: What does that mean?

DICK: We're not sure but you've got to admit it sounds kind of funny.

SKIPPING BACK AND PLASTIC.

ADHERE: Well here it is, Dick. The very tongs in question.

DICK: Just as I thought.

PETRA: What?

DICK: These are the tongs in question.

PETRA: Look, what is that, just beneath the clasp?

DICK: It looks like the crumbs...

DICK AND PETRA: From a fish finger!

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDER:

DICK: So all along, the Mercutio Murder was the very first of the Cod Piece
Murders. Now it was making sense. When they found the body there
was no sign of a fish finger, but no doubt some deep fried junky
couldn't resist a free meal.

MENACING CHORD.

So it was coming together. But one part of the jigsaw needed looking
at, and when I say a good looking at I mean a thorough comb over and
when I say a thorough comb over I mean a nitpicking that would
shame an obsessive compulsive gorilla.

WALKING UP STAIRS.

We made our way to the kitchens of the famed Chef Pierre Pousson. A
legend in batter.

DOOR OPENS.

DICK: This is it. Ring the bell Petra.

BIG BEN

(PAUSE)

VERY DISTANT FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AND GETTING CLOSER.

PIERRE: (DISTANT) Un moment, please be patient, I am on my way.

FOOTSTEPS AND THEN A THUD.

Ooh, that will leave ze bruise.

DICK: Pierre Pousson?

DOOR OPENS.

PIERRE: Yes, zis is moi.

DICK: My name's Detective Dick Clever and this is Probationary Constable
Petra Pattinson.

PIERRE: I am charmed, I am sure.

DICK: Where were you last night between the hours of 12 and 4 am?

PIERRE: I was making mad, passionate love to ze wife.

DICK: Can your wife confirm this?

PIERRE: I hope not.

DICK: Pardon me?

PIERRE: I said I was making made passionate love to ze wife. The wife of the
Mayor.

MENACING CHORD.

(SNORT/CHUCKLES) Not my wife, oh no, no, no.

PETRA: For four hours?

PIERRE: Well I don't like to brag, but I have ze staying power non?

(PAUSE)

What is zis?

PETRA: My contact details.

PIERRE: Bon!

DICK: Well what do you have to say about this?

PACKET BEING HANDLED AND MENACING CHORD.

PIERRE: Zat looks like one of my fish finger packets.

DICK: Correct.

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

(Short Skit, Magic)

DRUM ROLL AND “DA DA” FROM HORNS. APPLAUSE

ALBERT: Good Lord Roger, I’ve never seen them pull a rabbit out of there
before! (SNIGGERING LAUGH)

(Ed & Ted, What's on Yer Mind)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: I'd written him a letter and for the want of a stamp decided to email it
instead. He was shearing when I knew him and was that slow he’s
probably only just finishing now. So come with me down the little lane
to the famed outback, where men are men and crows are barred,
with real bars.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

CROW CAWS.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow are yeh?

TED: Mustn't grumble.

ED: Yer, s'pose yer right.

TED: Yeah.

ED: Is there a problem?

TED: Nah.

ED: C'mon.

TED: Nah, don't worry.

ED: Don't worry?

TED: Nah.

ED: Dinkum?

TED: Straight up and down, like.

ED: Yer sure?

TED: Yeah.

CROW CAWS.

ED: Nice day.

TED: Not bad.

ED: Yeah, not bad.

TED: (SIGHS)

ED: So what's up?

TED: Nah, don't worry about it.

ED: You sure?

TED: Yeah.

ED: Yeah?

TED: Yeah.

ED: Well you know, I'm here.

TED: What fer?

ED: If you want to talk?

TED: 'bout what?

ED: Whatever.

TED: Whatever, what?

ED: Whatever's on yer mind.

TED: Whatever's on me mind?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Yeah?

ED: Yeah, you know when you seem...

TED: Seem what?

ED: Ya know....

TED: No.

ED: Troubled.

TED: What you saying I'm crackin' up?

ED: Nah.

TED: Nah....

ED: Nah.

TED: Nah!?

ED: Well maybe. 'round the edges like.

TED: Straight up and down?

ED: Well somethin's on yer mind.

TED: Well yeah.

ED: Yeah?

TED: I don't know 'ow to say it.

ED: Well just speak yer mind for Pete's sake.

TED: Well, it's about you.

(PAUSE)

ED: What about me?

TED: Well..... It’s kind of hard to say.

ED: Well, jist say it, fer 'eaven's sake.

TED: Well, it's like this...

ED: Go on.

TED: You really get my goat when you ask me what's on me mind.

(PAUSE)

ED: Really?

TED: Yeah.

ED: Just worried about yer, if that's a crime.

TED: Nah I guess not....but yer sound like me missus.

(LONG PAUSE)

ED: But I'm a better bloody cook.

TED: Yeah that's true.

AMBIENCE AND STOCK WHIP.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan,
Cheng.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.
END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones