Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 002 - News and the Sound of Nothing)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

NEWS THEME SONG.

NEWS ANCHOR: Good Afternoon, today the Prime Minister has released the report on
corruption in the Government. She said that some things needed to
be free and if it loved her, it would come back.

The Mathematics Institute of Queensland's seven board members
have voted six to three in favour of improving educational standards.
Bazza Wartballad, the longest unemployed man in Australia surprised the Department
of Social Services when they finally found him employment. He reportedly said in not
accepting the position, "I'm not a jack of all trades, I just jack off all trades". He has
been favourably recommended by both political parties.

Three men have been arrested for impersonating police officers, when questioned they
admitted to being police officers and then arrested the questioning officers as they
weren't.

In a serious matter brought before the anti-corruption watchdog in New Yekaslov, the
Judge went into an outrage when offered ten thousand dollars to make the whole
matter go away. He remonstrated the accused and stated clearly that twenty was as
low as he would go.

In sport today, Lord Elling Fitz-Haprer-Bonce won Wimbledon. He said that it was a
close finish, but his three aces beat Lord Whimsey's two kings.

Grunt Sundwill, forward for the All Australian team became upset when questioned as
to whether he really was a sports fan as well as a player. His comment of "I've always
been an athletic supporter" drew giggles from the press gallery.

And now for the regional weather from Jack Smith in remote New South Wales. Well,
Jack what is the forecast for regional NSW?

JACK: Dry.

NEWS ANCHOR: Is that all?

JACK: Yup.

NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, Jack. Stay tuned for more news as it breaks.

THEME SONG OUT.

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEER.

HIGH HEELS ON A STONE FLOOR GETTING CLOSER AND
THEN STOPS.

CAESAR: Ave Sensus.

SENSUS: Arvo Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: That time already? My sundial must be slow.

SENSUS: Nice heels, my lord.

CAESAR: I’m breaking them in for Cleo.

SENSUS: I would have been more than willing.

CAESAR: Well I thought I would do something nice for her. Something that doesn’t require a vast
amount of money or the favour of some political or royal personage.

SENSUS: How nice. But if you need a break or…

CAESAR: I’m wearing the heels Sensus. Besides, they make my calves more shapely.

(BEAT)

Well, what news do you have?

SENSUS: A letter from Queen Cleopatra my Lord.

CAESAR: Huh, speaking of the Saucy Minx…save that one for last, would you Sensus?

SENSUS: Very well, my Lord. Now, we have a short note from our Norse mercenaries fighting in Spain,
presently.

CAESAR: Oh, I never like these letters. Always seeking more money, changing sides…

SENSUS: A bit like the Senate.

CAESAR: Yesss…

SENSUS: Shall I read it, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Mmmn, please do.

SENSUS: Out loud?

CAESAR: Even better, Sensus.

SENSUS: I’ll translate.

CAESAR: Is it hard to read?

SENSUS: It's in Norse Code.

CAESAR: I see.

SENSUS: We have taken Barcelona.

CAESAR: Good Gods...... where?

SENSUS: Five miles East.

CAESAR: Why would they do that?

SENSUS: Apparently it gets the sun just that little bit earlier.

CAESAR: Interesting.

SENSUS: It continues. Apparently the battle was torrid as swords were in short supply.

CAESAR: Short swords?

SENSUS: No, short supply.

CAESAR: What about broad swords?

SENSUS: It appears that their women weren't fighting with them.

CAESAR: So, what did they use?

SENSUS: Well, they ripped off their clothes and attacked the city naked.

CAESAR: Really?

SENSUS: Apparently when the city saw them attacking they threw open the
gates and welcomed them with open arms.

CAESAR: And....

SENSUS: Warm feelings.

CAESAR: Interesting.

SENSUS: It goes on.

CAESAR: I could imagine ....... they have such staying power.

SENSUS: I meant the letter.

CAESAR: Oh, course, go on.

SENSUS: As a result of the battle, they plan to take the city again and again.
They are returning the money you have paid them and offer you their
heartfelt thanks.

CAESAR: Well. There is a change.

SENSUS: It seems the tide may be turning.

CAESAR: I wonder if we could attack Barcelona?

SENSUS: Wonderfully tempting. Now the letter from Cleopatra, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Oh, please. (CLAPS HANDS IN ANTICIPATION.)

SENSUS: To my Lord Caesar, ruler of the Roman Empire, Commander of the
Legions, the Lion of Empires, of Magnificent and Sturdy Frame, Rock
of the Mediterranean, Most Erect Pillar of Goodness, Greetings and
blessings from your beloved.

CAESAR: Oh, wonderful, do go on.

SENSUS: It's bin night, don't forget the recyclables. Signed and sealed "your
babe, Cleo".

CAESAR: Already? Nuts.

SENSUS: Shall I take a reply, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: What's the point, Sensus? There's no point arguing.

SENSUS: Just like the Senate.

CAESAR: Oh no, Sensus. I can win an argument in the Senate.

THEME OUT.

RHEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY
BASS AND SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: In the last episode of Paranormal Patrol the team was introduced to Mary Widda,
caretaker and historian for the Old Abandoned Gaol at Lady Loosley's Head, where there
have been numerous unexplained phenomena; apparitions, shadows, unheard footsteps
and nausea. Our lead investigator John Robust asks Jean Tightly about the history
of the gaol.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Jean.

JEAN: John?

JOHN: What about the history of the goal?

JEAN: It’s very interesting…

JOHN: What is?

JEAN: The history. The gaol was built in 1823 by political prisoners from
Ireland who were driven by ruthless convict guards, many ended up
dying on the site.

SCARY MUSIC.

Then after several years of being abandoned, it was used as an asylum
for the mentally and criminally insane...

Then it served as a prisoner of war camp.

In the fifties, it was a brothel called the “Slippery Eel.”

Then as abattoirs,

Then the campaign offices for the local federal member of parliament, whose lead members
shared the same nickname as the brothel…

and then after a fire and several years of being empty, it was opened
as a tourist attraction.

JOHN: And the name of the place?

JEAN: Lady Loosley's Head was named after Lady Loosley of Eminghart.

PETE: And what is her association with this place?

JEAN: They found her head here.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Right, Buster, how has the set-up gone?

VOICE OVER: Buster Cherry and Petra Fied have been the technical backbone of
this incredible team for more than three gruelling weeks.

BUSTER: Well, Johnny Boy…

JOHN: Don’t call me that.

BUSTER: Oh, sorry, um, we have cameras set up in the main entrance where
they hear the door close, a blood curdling scream and swearing, and a camera in the cell
where they see the shadow in the corner.

JOHN: Have you got the right corner?

BUSTER: Yeah, the left one.

JOHN: Right.

BUSTER: No left. Anyway, we have cameras on the marble floor where the carpets once was and they
now can't hear the footsteps...

JOHN: Excellent.

BUSTER: And one in the canteen, where they experience nausea.

JOHN: Great.

BUSTER: Yeah, fully sick. Get it?

JOHN: And Petra, where have you set up the microphones?

PETRA: Babe, I’ve got mics in all those areas and several in the area that were
the officer's mess. Plus where they kept the Irish political prisoners.

JOHN: You think we’ll capture something?

PETRA: As those fellas would say, our time will come.

JOHN: Okay, well let’s turn out the lights and get in there.

PETE: Can I stay out here?

JOHN: Pete, grab the Thermonuclear Camera and come with me, Jean go
with Buster. And Petra, you monitor everything from here.

ALL: Okay.

FEET MOVING OFF. SCARY MUSIC.

VOICE OVER: The team will investigate the Old Abandoned Gaol at Lady Loosley's
Head using several sophisticated pieces of equipment.

JOHN: First, we turn all the lights off and investigate the darkness. We
Take all video cameras with us. Something a little different is the
Thermonuclear Camera which picks up images that are triggered by
heat gradients and small detonations. We had the whole crew sign waivers in case they get
cancer or…

PETE: Meningitis.

JOHN: Thanks Pete. But you know, we understand the risks with this job. Anyway, we all have the
gear to measure changes in temperature and our EMF devices measure spikes in
electromagnetic frequencies. Pete carries several devices as well.

PETE: I carry a rabbit's foot, a crucifix and a four-leaf clover. Oh and I also
have this device which measures if an apparition is straight up and
down.

JOHN: What do you call that?

PETE: A spirit level.

SCARY MUSIC AND DOOR OPENING.

PETE (CONT’D): What was that?

JOHN: I just opened the door.

PETE: Oh, sorry.

JOHN: All good, now, let’s go in...

PETE: It's so dark.

JOHN: Yes, Pete the lights are off.

PETE: Can we turn them on?

JOHN: No, it may scare whatever is in here away. You have a torch.

PETE: It's not very bright.

JOHN: You have something in common then.

PETE: Hey!

JOHN: Shhhh! We don't want to scare...

PETE: Oh I know, I know...who would find us scary though?

(PAUSE)

Can I plug in a night light?

JOHN: Shhh.

PETE: What?

JOHN: Did you hear that?

PETE: Hear what?

JOHN: That?

PETE: What?!!

JOHN: It sounded like nothing.

PETE: Really?

JOHN: Yes, I think something is crossing the marble floor that used
to be carpeted and hence we can't hear a thing.

PETE: My goodness, you have sharp hearing.

SCARY MUSI INTO THEME SONG.

VOICE OVER: So join us next time at the old abandoned gaol at Lady Loosley's head
when Pete comes face to face with a mirror.

SCREAM.

VOICE: Next time on Paranormal Patrol.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Hester van der Vyver, Cheng, Nate Gothard, Thomas Taufan, Gavin Jones, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

Theme song out, with joyful animal noises.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones