Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 019 - Cutting the Fog with a Spoon)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(News, Welltado)

THEME SONG IN.

NEWS ANCHOR: Good afternoon. Today the Minister of Education said that there needs to be more
sport in Education to fight the obesity epidemic. The Minister for Sport said that there
needed to be more education in sport to counter the unsocial behaviour and growing
drug problem.

The Minister for Police said that the unsocial behaviour and drug problems were really
a health-related matter and the Minister for Health said that her task force was looking
into the whole matter. The Minister for the Whole Matter said that she resented the
implication. The Minister for the Implication would not comment at this time.

Yesterday, the Headmaster for the Exclusive School of Welltado defended criticism
that they were receiving more than their fair share of Government funding. "Without
this vital funding", he told a press conference today, "our boys under 12's lute
polishing team could not have competed in Iceland. The psychological damage that
this would have caused, would have been enormous on the young students."

The minister for education yesterday threatened teachers to lift literacy rates or else.
When asked to spell out their threat she did and got 45 out of 60.

The University Chancellor, Morgan E Throsgood-Twig commented on the recent
cutbacks to his department, he said that he couldn't understand how the Government
doesn't see the relationship between funding and students doing goodly.

And now for regional weather with Jack Smith. What is the forecast today Jack?

JACK: Dry.

NEWS ANCHOR: Anything else?

JACK: Nup.

NEWS ANCHOR: Stayed tuned for further news.

THEME SONG.

END

(Dick Clever, Red Tinkles)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 8:20 on a morning where you could cut the fog with a spoon and dish
it up to unsuspecting children. I found myself in an alleyway, not one
of those fancy alleyways where women with pearls would go to die
with their husbands, but one of those dark, disgusting alleyways that
smelt of urine, tobacco, and high school locker rooms. And ours had a
guest. Slumped in the corner was yet another victim of the Cod Piece
Murders.

ADHERE: Why if it isn't Detective Clever, his very self.

DICK: Good morning, Adhere.

ADHERE: And so it is, the sun has risen, the day is new and the birds are making
lovely choking sounds in the smog.

DICK: What do we have here?

ADHERE: It's not good, Dick. Male victim, about fifty-four, by the name of Red
Tinkles.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: Are you sure it's Red?

ADHERE: To be sure, that I am. This is Red Tinkles him very self.

DICK: Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars?

ADHERE: Assuredly it is one in the same person.

DICK: Who works in the offices just around the corner?

ADHERE: The very man.

DICK: Who went on vacation to Sweden with the Swoogan twins?

ADHERE: That is the victim.

DICK: Good god.

ADHERE: No, I don't think he was the almighty. Although he probably thought
he was.

DICK: This is serious.

ADHERE: He has one of dem der fish fingers stuck on his right nostril and I think
It’s tartar sauce in his left ear.

DICK: Did you touch the body, Constable?

ADHERE: Apart from jabbing it with a stick to see if the deceased was alive, no.

DICK: How many times did you jab him?

ADHERE: Let me see now, I got here at 7:32 and I picked up the stick....

DICK: Roughly.

ADHERE: Nine hundred and forty-two times.

DICK: That many times? Why so many prods?

ADHERE: To be sure.

DICK: Now be very careful how you answer this, Adhere.

ADHERE: Very well. Is it for a prize or a holiday?

DICK: This isn't a contest, I need you to focus. Did you touch his right ear?

ADHERE: No, I definitely did.

DICK: You definitely did?

ADHERE: I definitely did not touch his ear.

DICK: So you didn't touch it?

ADHERE: Neither that nor his ear.

DICK: There had been another escalation. For there in his right ear was a
sprig of parsley. He had been....

GENTLE SUSPENSFUL TINKLE OF THE PIANO.

Garnished.

Adhere make sure the Doc sees this and tell Probationary Constable Pattinson to meet me at
Red Tinkles' offices.

ADHERE: Okay then. Petra, can you be meeting Dick at Red Tinkles' offices,
please?

PETRA: Right away Constable?

ADHERE: Right away Dick?

DICK: Sooner.

ADHERE: Better get over there as soon as your feet will get ye.

PETRA: Ask Detective Clever if he wants a coffee.

ADHERE: Dick, would you be wanting a coffee?

DICK: Why are we doing this?

ADHERE: Oh, I thought you wanted to have a little fun.

DICK: Next time announce yourself when you arrive at a crime scene Petra.
With this fog, anyone could be lurking nearby and we wouldn’t be
able to see them.

PETRA: Yes sir.

DICK: And Petra?

PETRA: Yes, Detective?

DICK: No time for coffee, we need to get there fast.

PETRA: Very well.

DICK: I am, thank you.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

Petra, my new partner and I raced over to Red Tinkles' office.
She won, but not by much. After she finished jumping around
excitedly we made our way to the office. The door was open.

DOOR OPENING.

I left Petra to guard the entrance as I went inside. The place was a
mess. Whoever had gone over the good urologist's orifices had also
gone over his offices. I grabbed his diary, maybe, just maybe this
could lead us to the murderer. Lost in thought, I hadn’t realised Petra
had left her post…

PETRA: Detective Clever?

DICK: Yes, Petra, what is it?

PETRA: Quickly.

DICK: (SPEAKING VERY QUICKLY) Yes Petra, what is it?

PETRA: I meant, come here quickly.

PERSON RUNNING OVER THINGS.

DICK: What is it?

PETRA: Look at this...

DICK: Oh, my giddy aunt...

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

END

(Ed & Ted, New Hat)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Mmmmm. Can you smell the biscuits cooking? Just through that little
window in the township of Girt by Sea. But far, far away from the lush
coastal regions, the great expanse of the brittle outback awaits.
Where sometimes loneliness is your only friend, even if he runs off with your wife.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow are yeh?

TED: Not bad.

(PAUSE)

An' you?

ED: Not bad.

TED: New 'at?

ED: Yeah.

TED: What 'appened to the last one?

ED: Gone.

TED: Gone?

ED: Bugger.

TED: Shame.

ED: Wasn't a bad 'at.

TED: Yeah, not too shabby.

ED: Not too shabby at all.

TED: What 'appened?

ED: Wore out.

TED: Wore out?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Honest like, wore out?

ED: In a gale.

TED: Strueth.

ED: Last seen over Cobar.

TED: Cobar, cobber?

ED: That's it.

TED: Strueth. 'ow do you know it was your 'at.

ED: UFO report, size 62.

TED: Dinkum?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Straight up and down like?

ED: Yeah.

TED: So when y' get that one?

ED: Oh, the wife got it, I think.

TED: Yer think?

ED: Yeah. I went 'ome and there it was on the 'at rack.

TED: Really?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Not bad.

ED: Not bad at all.

TED: Doesn't look new.

ED: Nah, think it's been round the traps.

TED: She saving a bit o'dosh?

ED: I guess so. She also got me a shirt.

TED: Yeah?

ED: Yeah, it was on the floor of the 'allway.

TED: Really, not 'ung up like?

ED: Nah. And a nice pair o'pants.

TED: Really?

ED: All laid out on the bed like.

TED: Dinkum?

ED: Yeah. And 'ave a gecko at this belt buckle that came with it.

TED: Strueth, that's just like Reg's.

ED: Straight up and down?

TED: Yeah, only...

ED: What, bit different?

TED: Could be. It's just that 'e lost 'is t'other day.

CROW CAWS AND GUNSHOT.
THEME OUT.

(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Thomas Taufan, Cheng, Nate Gothard, Hester van der
Vyver.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones