Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 018 - I love the Sticky Bits)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Short Skit, Straight Forward)

PRIME MINISTER: Now, with this matter at hand today I would like to make it quite clear
that we are dedicated to overcoming this problem. In fact, after
lengthy discussions with my colleagues and staff, it has become apparent that we
must act quickly and decisively. We have established a committee to decide on who
would be the appropriate person to lead the steering executive to establish the
guidelines for a commission on how we should best move forward. This will report
directly to the relevant department heads and chiefs of staff, including the
subcommittee choosing the venue for the public forum on any matters which do not
come under the broader umbrella of the follow up enquiry. Are there any questions?

REPORTER: Yes, Prime Minister, who do you think will win the Grand Final?

MURMURING OF REPORTERS

PRIME MINISTER: I think that’s all we have time for today.

(On the Roman Nose, Windfal)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

SENSUS: Ah, what a lovely meal Caesar.

CAESAR: Indeed. Have you had enough, Sensus?

SENSUS: Thank you, my Lord.

CAESAR: And you Brute?

BRUTE: Sorry my Lord?

CAESAR: Have you et too Brute?

BRUTE: Yes, my Lord. Thank you. I love the sticky bits.

CAESAR: Indeed, they were some of the finest sticky bits I have ever had.

SENSUS: I very much enjoyed your dressing, Caesar.

CAESAR: You said "you wouldn't look"!

SENSUS: Your salad dressing.

CAESAR: Oh, yes. My chef made that up with the salad, named it in my
honour.

SENSUS: Caesar Salad?

CAESAR: No, Fat Tyrant Dressing.

SENSUS: Very nice. It should catch on.

CAESAR: If it catches on like it does my robe...

SENSUS: Yes, I can see. You should wear plaid, it doesn't show the stains.

CAESAR: I'll bear that in mind, Sensus. Now to business. What is on the agenda
today?

SENSUS: A delegation.

CAESAR: Oh nuts....

SENSUS: Nuts?

CAESAR: Yes, in the salad, I wonder if Chef can put in some walnuts.

SENSUS: Sounds good.

CAESAR: Anyway, my apologies, we have a delegation?

SENSUS: The Lepers of the Island of Brawn.

CAESAR: Good gods, here?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: After lunch?

SENSUS: Look on the bright side. If you are driven to illness, it would make
more room for the sticky bits.

CAESAR: Now there's a thought. More sticky bits. Very well, send them in.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call the Lepers of Brawn!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call the Lepers of Brawn!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Leprechauns to Caesar's rooms, Leprechauns to Caesar's
rooms. Top of the morning.

CAESAR: Didn't you fix that?

SENSUS: Heaven knows I've tried....

DOORS OPENING, HAND BELLS BEING RUNG. WHIPS CRACKING.

WINDFAL: Unclean, unclean ..... so incredibly unclean....

SENSUS: Stop there, that is far enough.

WINDFAL: Unclean. My Lord Caesar, ave!

CAESAR: Ave.

WINDFAL: Unclean!

CAESAR: Yes we understand, being lepers.

WINDFAL: No my lord, we ran out of soap.

FLY BUZZING, CHOKING AND THEN FALLING TO THE GROUND,
SPINNING AND THEN DYING.

CAESAR: What is your name, Leper?

WINDFAL: Windfal, my Lord.

CAESAR: Well, Windfal, what an unusual name.

WINDFAL: Yes my Lord, with my affliction, every time the wind blows.....

CAESAR: Yes, yes, I get the picture.

SENSUS: I'm not sure I'll ever forget it!

CAESAR: What do you seek?

WINDFAL: We crave funding for several projects. Without these projects our
brotherhood may well disappear.

CAESAR: How so?

WINDFAL: Well, my Lord we have noticed a distinct dropping off of members.

(PAUSE)

CAESAR: I am unwilling to help you, especially after the last episode; I mean,
for heaven’s sake, lend me your ears is just an expression!

WINDFAL: My sincere apologies. Perhaps we could offer something in return.....

CAESAR: Such as?

WINDFAL: My daughter's hand in marriage?

CAESAR: No, but thank you for the thought. I am sorry but I can't help you
unless you can come up with a much better proposition.

WINDFAL: Very well, my Lord. But let this be a reminder of our discontent.

OBJECT FLUNG INTO WALL.

CAESAR: Get out .....and take that finger with you...

HAND BELLS BEING RUNG. WHIPS CRACKING.

WINDFAL: Unclean, unclean, flat broke (FADING) unshaved, oppressed, misunderstood....

DOORS CLOSE.

CAESAR: That is never easy. Say, Sensus, wasn't your cousin a leper?

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: How is she?

SENSUS: I am unsure, my Lord.

CAESAR: Unsure?

SENSUS: Yes, we used to communicate daily, but all feeling just seemed to
disappear.

THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Petra)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: I made it back to the office around 8:22 and noticed the clock had
stopped. It was actually 8:45, and a neon light flickered through the
bent venetian blinds over the sprawling paperwork that covered my
desk. And there she was…my new partner, Petra.

PETRA: Probationary Constable Pattinson.

DICK: Petra Pattinson?

PETRA: Probationary Constable, Sir.

DICK: Call me Dick.

PETRA: I don't think that's right sir.

DICK: It's my name.

PETRA: I don't doubt it, sir.

DICK: So, what do they call you?

PETRA: Hey Gorgeous.

DICK: I mean outside the bars.

PETRA: I’m not sure I want to repeat it Sir. I don’t live in the most savoury neighbourhood.

DICK: Oh, well uh, what do you want to be called then?

PETRA: Petra, sir.

DICK: All right Petra, I'll give you an introduction to real policing.

PETRA: Where are we going?

DICK: To autopsy, we have a date with a dead body.

DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING.

Hey, wait for me!

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

She seemed eager, but a little too eager. What did she think
this was? A Sunday picnic?

JAZZ HORN OUT. SLIDING DOOR OPENING.
GLASSES TINKLING.

PETRA: Sir?

DOC: Oh, Dick, I wasn’t expecting you yet.

DICK: Doc, what's going on?

DOC: Just having a little picnic.

PETRA: Is that allowed?

DICK: It’s not normally like this Petra.

PETRA: I quite understand.

DICK: Well usually he’d invite me.

PIXIE: Hiya Dick.

DICK: Hiya Pixie. Nice dress.

PETRA: Not standard uniform, I’m sure.

PIXIE: Nothing standard about me sweet thing.

DICK: Doc.

DOC: Yes Dick.

DICK: This is my new partner, Petra Pattinson.

DOC: Charmed.

BRIEF KISS.

PETRA: Thank you Doctor, but a handshake would have sufficed.

DOC: Oh, don't be shy.

PIXIE: We’re all friends here.

DICK: What do you have for us?

DOC: How about a "Grand Marnier" pate and hardboiled egg sandwich?

PETRA: While working?

DICK: Sounds great.

DOC: Oh, and a little Pinot, from a remote valley in Chile.

DICK: Even better.

PETRA: Sir!

DOC: Now, now, if you come over here I will show you the body found
down near the docks today.

PICNIC ITEMS BEING ARRANGED.

And for you Petra...

PETRA: Um, thank you, Doctor, but…

DOC: Please call me Doc.

PETRA: Okay. Doc. We’re working and…

DICK: You'll call him Doc but not me, Dick.

PETRA: That's right, I'm not under Doc.

DOC: Not yet, my dear. Now, here let me show you John Doe number 12.

SHEET BEING PULLED BACK.
PETRA DRY RETCHING.

DICK: Now hold steady Petra, breathe through your mouth and…

PETRA: No, I'm sorry. It's not the body.

DICK: I understand, It's your first time…

PETRA: No, it’s not that, I just bit into some eggshell in the sandwich.

ALL: (DRY RETCHING)

DOC: Oh, I am sorry, I thought I got all of that out. Oh wait look it wasn't
eggshell…

DICK: No, It was a fingernail.

PETRA: Oh, that's okay then.

DICK: Right. Doc what do you have for us?

DOC: Another fish finger, but this time up here.

PETRA: (GASP)

DICK: Up the right nostril, eh Doc?

DOC: How very astute Dick. But we have an escalation in the violence I am
afraid.

DICK: What is it?

DOC: Look in the left ear.

DICK: My god! Is that sauce?

DOC: Tartar. Initially, I thought it was custard.

PETRA: How did you tell the difference?

DOC: By the taste.

PIXIE: The same process used to distinguish oral and rectal thermometers.

DOC: If it had been custard…

DOC, DICK: Then he would've been a trifle deaf! (LAUGHS)

DOC: More pinot, Petra?

PETRA: No, please I’ll best be…

DOC: Come on, whose to know?

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Thomas Taufan, Linda, Nate Gothard, Hester van der
Vyver, Gavin Jones, Cheng

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.
END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones