Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 017 -Don't Work with Children, Grown or Otherwise)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

(Ed & Ted, Kids)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: Ah yes, the great outdoors; best seen indoors on high resolution
whilst eating pizza. But come with me now down that little track
where I was told by a little old lady, "once a jolly swagman, but never
twice!".

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

ED: Ted.

TED: Ed.

ED: 'ow are yeh?

TED: Not bad

(PAUSE)

TED: An' you?

ED: Not bad, considerin'.

TED: Considerin?

ED: Considerin'.

TED: Considerin' what?

ED: Nah, just considerin', really. Ow's that kid of yers?

TED: Nancy?

ED: Is 'e?

TED: Oo?

ED: Yer boy.

TED: Is 'e what?

ED: A Nancy.

TED: What are yer talkin' bout?

ED: I asked 'ow yer kid is and yer said "Nancy".

TED: Sorry, mate.

ED: All right.

TED: I thought yer meant me daughter, Nancy.

ED: Oh, my mistake.

TED: You mean me son?

ED: Yeh.

TED: Florence?

ED: That's 'im.

TED: 'e's doing well enough.

ED: Still at that private school?

TED: Yeah.

ED: What year's he in now?

TED: Third class.

ED: Not bad.

TED: Not bad at all.

ED: Considerin'

TED: Yeah, considerin'.

ED: Twenty, isn't he?

TED: Yeah, be about right.

ED: And Nancy?

TED: Me daughter?

ED: That's 'er.

TED: She's doin' fine.

ED: What she up to?

TED: Takes after 'er mum.

ED: Does she?

TED: Yeah.

ED: She a good looker too?

TED: Nah, she takes after her Mum.

ED: Your missus, ain't that bad a looker.

TED: Nah, she takes after 'er. With an axe, like.

ED: Strueth!

TED: Not good.

ED: Bad.

TED: Real bad.

AMBIENCE AND STOCK WHIP.

THEME OUT.

(Short Skits, What a Day)

MODERN RELAXATION MUSIC PLAYS AND SLOWLY FADES UNDER.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile at Megga Cuppa Gelati Mocca Style Spritzy Lemon on Trent Upmarket Boutique
Coffee Leisure Centre, Skye and Bella sit down for a well-earned rest.

SKYE: So, how has your day been?

BELLA: My, day, don’t even start me. My god. It all started when I found I was out of shade 347 in the
semi-gloss.

SKYE: What did you do?

BELLA: I used the matte and glossed over, it’s not the same

SKYE: You did a good job

BELLA: You are so kind. Then I was late for the palates class and Richard didn’t even miss me!

SKYE: What a bastard.

BELLA: Then the hair dresser kept me waiting for just over three minutes.

SKYE: What a bastard!

BELLA: And then I was late picking up the rug rats.

SKYE: You bastard!

BELLA: Pardon?

SKYE: I meant, what?

BELLA: And these two little brats have done nothing but make my life hell all afternoon, whinging,
fighting, laughing, they’ve been a bloody nightmare.

SKYE: Bella…

BELLA: If I had a nanny to thrash a little respect into the beggars it might make life, oh sit up you little
mongrel!

SLAP.

CHILD: Ohhh!

SKYE: Bella!

BELLA: Oh I know I’m being too harsh.

SKYE: You don’t have children.

BELLA: But...

SKYE: You have never had children.

BELLA: Then whose are these?

CHILD: Please don’t take us back miss, you’re much nicer than our real mummy.

MUSIC.

(Dick Clever, Takes Two)

THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:
DOCK SIDE SOUNDS, WATER LAPPING.

DICK: 7:15 and the moon rose over a cold bay. If I was a poet I would say it was like a ghostly
woman watching over us lost souls as we made our way in this world. Making our way
through the dark and shade while those pure hearted lay to rest. A rest that they would stir
from in the glow of the vibrant sun, unlike the poor sod that had been found by the docks.
But I’m not a poet. So I’d say I got a stiff by the docks.

THEME OUT, WATER CONTINUES LAPPING.

DICK: Constable Adhere, what's the story?

ADHERE: Oh, Dick, top of the morning.

DICK: It's night.

ADHERE: I shall be amending me report accordingly.

(PAUSE)

Do you think the K is readable like?

DICK: Where's the body?

ADHERE: The doctor has already taken it.

DICK: Very well.

ADHERE: But I can tell you that the body was found here.

DICK: Adhere?

ADHERE: Yes Dick?

DICK: Did you do the outline?

ADHERE: No sir, that was the good Doctor.

DICK: And who coloured it in?

ADHERE: Yes sir, that was me.

DICK: Who said you could colour it in?

ADHERE: My therapist, sir.

DICK: Really?

ADHERE: She said that I should start to express my feelings and channel my
creative side.

DICK: Right.

ADHERE: I mean what's wrong, Dick, I kept within the lines.

DICK: This therapist, is there anyone else on the force seeing them?

ADHERE: Why, no sir. Apparently I am the only one that can see them.

JAZZ HORN UP UNDERNEATH:

DICK: This didn't surprise me one bit. Returning to the office I rested in the sallow light of the lamp,
fingering the photographs of the tongs.

There was something that I was missing and if I only knew what
wasn't evident, I'd have the answer to the riddle I fathomed.

Come in.

DOOR OPENS.

KRANKSY: Hickory wants you bad.

DICK: Why does he want me bad? Why not happy, good or even morally
indifferent?

KRANKSY: Don't be a wise guy just get up there before he comes down on all of
us.
DICK: Okay, okay.

DOOR SHUTS.

DICK: You going to leave or just shut the door?

KRANSKY: Oh....okay.

DOOR OPENS.

KRANKSY: (MUFFLED) Is that better?

DICK: You betcha!

DOOR CLOSES.
JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

I made my way through the dark corridors of the police station to the
Captain's room.

JAZZ HORN OUT. CAT CRY.

HICKORY: Come in.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

Well, well, well, Detective Clever, I want to be caught up on the Cod
Piece Murders.

DICK: Please call me Dick. But, there's not much to tell. We have a few stiffs
and a handful of fish fingers and not much more.

HICKORY: So, you’re floundering?

DICK: Just stuck.

HICKORY: Well, is that the best you've got? A bit limp, Detective Clever.
Obviously, your old fashioned ways aren't getting the job done.

DICK: Look, Captain, I've looked at these murders a thousand different ways. If I can't see, what's to
say another will?

HICKORY: Well, whether you like it or not you’re getting a partner, detective.

DICK: The hell I am. And please call me Dick.

HICKORY: I'm glad you’ve reached acceptance so quickly. Her name is Petra
and she's a rookie straight out of University, bright and willing with no
street experience, detective.

DICK: And you worry about me becoming a cliché? Listen, Captain Hickory,
you know I work best alone. You've read my file, you know what
happens to my partners and please, please, call me Dick.

HICKORY: Yes, I know all about your former partners, like Wesley.

DICK: His wife never forgave me.

HICKORY: And Collins.

DICK: His wife never forgave me…

HICKORY: And Robertson.

DICK: Oh, she forgave me, more than a dozen times.

HICKORY: Look, you keep your nose clean and to the grindstone.

DICK: I don't quite think that works…

HICKORY: Now get out of my office, your partner's waiting for you outside,
Detective.

DICK: Please, feel welcome to call me Dick. Are we finished?

HICKORY: If you don't get a breakthrough, you will be.

CHAIR MOVING, PERSON OPENS DOOR.

(MUFFLED) What a dick.

DICK: See, was that so hard?

DOOR CLOSES.
JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It was at this point that I started to harbour a grudge against the
Captain. It wasn't so much that he was right, it was the fact that I had
a new partner.

MENACING CHORD
A rookie!

Straight out of university!

MENACING CHORD.
And a woman!

Of the female gender!

MENACING CHORD.

It would be a long night.

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

Outro:
THEME OUT.
(Credits)
LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Cheng, Thomas Taufan, Linda Chong,
Hester van der Vyver, Preeya Ahluwalia.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones