Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 015 - The Humble Potato and Other Storiess, Oh My!)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Archbishop, Potato)

ORGAN MUSIC IN CATHEDRAL.

ANNOUNCER: And now an important message from the Archbishop Reginald
Donaldson Doodah.

ARCHBISHOP: Hello gentle parishioners listening to this out there in radio land over
the quite miraculous means of communication called radio. It is times
like these that I remember as a boy I used to listen to a potato,
because we were a very poor family. So, in times when you doubt
yourself and obstacles seem insurmountable just listen to your radio
or a potato.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Archbishop

ORGAN MUSIC.

(Ed & Ted, Dust Storm)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: The Great Southern Land, a land of promises and boomerangs: both
of which return to haunt you. Come down this dusty trail to the famed
outback, where manliness is measured by the facial hair of your
missus.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

AMBIENT OUTBACK SOUNDS INCLUDING WIND.

TED: Ed.

ED: Ted.

TED: 'ow are yeh?

ED: Not bad?

(PAUSE)

An' you?

TED: Not bad.

ED: Bit windy.

TED: Yeah, a tad.

ED: Bit of a blow.

TED: Yeah.

ED: Dry, 'ot wind, this.

TED: Yeah. Dry an' 'ot.

ED: It'd turn your windmill, though.

TED: The new one?

ED: Yeah, that's it.

TED: Nah.

ED: Nah?

TED: Nah.

ED: Really?

TED: Nah, blew it away.

ED: Strong wind.

TED: Yep.

ED: Not as bad as ‘87.

TED: Oooh no. That was bad.

ED: Not good.

TED: Worse.

ED: Bad.

TED: Had to tie bricks to the cat to stop 'er from flyin' off.

ED: The one with the frayed tail?

TED: That's 'er.

ED: Bad.

TED: And the dust!

ED: It was that bad, both me cars was taken back to bare metal.

TED: Strike.

ED: Sandblasted like.

TED: Not good.

ED: An' they were in the garage.

TED: Strike.

ED: Bad.

TED: I got a mouthful.

ED: Really?

TED: Honest like.

ED: Dinkum?

TED: Yeah, from the wife.

ED: Straight up and down?

TED: Yeah. I says to 'er well at least we can save a little money.

ED: Yeah?

TED: And she says, "what on?"

ED: And what did you say back?

TED: On that cream that takes a layer of skin off.

ED: Crikey, yer said that to 'er?

TED: Yeah. You can still see the scars.

ED: Strueth.

CROW CAWS AND GUNSHOT.
THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Regina and Larry)

WIND BLOWING WITH PAPERS BEING BLOWN ALL OVER THE
PLACE, THEN A WINDOW SHUTTING.

DICK: 9:13 on a Friday night when Jack Frost blew through the precinct, stirring my papers, rustling
my thoughts and cooling my tootsies.

THEME SONG / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:

My thoughts, what good were they? My case had gone cold. The lock had frozen shut. And
The Cod Piece Murders, well…. There were too few clues and no one knew the true news but
on cue…

OLD-STYLE PHONE RINGING.
Come in.

DOOR OPENING

REGINA: (VERY SULTRY) Well hello, Dick.

DICK: Hello yourself Regina.

DOOR CLOSING.

Regina had a voice that would stir a eunuch into lust and the body of a
God. That God happened to be Bacchus.

REGINA: I heard you were stuck on the Cod Piece Murders.

DICK: What's it to you?

REGINA: I may have a morsel you may be interested in.

DICK: I don't doubt it, but what have you got about the murders?

REGINA: If I tell you, what's in it for me?

DICK: I won't throw you in gaol for hindering an investigation.

REGINA: Don't get sassy with me!

DICK: I'll get sassy with anyone I choose.

SLAP ON FACE.

It was at this point that she went too far. No one slaps Dick on
his own turf. I returned the favour, but being so much shorter than
her I only managed to hit her ample left bosom and like the office
decoration with the little metal balls that go back and forth…well…we
watched a full five minutes before she came to rest.

REGINA: Alright Dick, you win. You need to speak with Larry.

DICK: Larry the Lynch?

REGINA: No, Larry the Lemming.

DICK: Larry was the kind of guy you honestly felt for. He grassed on
the mob several times and had tried to commit suicide before they
got to him. He's jumped off bridges, office towers, water towers,
cliffs and the odd refrigerator. Somehow he managed to survive
each attempt. Finally, the authorities put him away for his own safety
and that of the public below.

But wait, Regina, Larry has been the choirmaster at the prison for years.

REGINA: All I know is that he’s ready to spill the beans at the next
performance. You need to take to him a photograph of the thinnest
barbecue tongs held in evidence for the Mercutio Murders.

DICK: So let me get this straight, I have to take a photograph of the thinnest
barbecue tongs to the choir master's performance in prison?

REGINA: That's it, bring the thin tong to sing song at sing sing.

(PAUSE)

DICK: I am really sorry you said that.

REGINA: You're not the only one, anyway Dick, come up and see my etchings
some time.

DOOR OPENS AND THEN SHUTS. LOW JAZZ HORN.

DICK: She was some strange broad. This wasn't an offer of anything
other than to see her artwork. She had a real talent and etched long
into the night. Glassware, silver goblets, she could do the lot. God, she was good. Not that I’m
into that sort of thing. Or have any of her pieces.

So, Larry the Lemming was ready to rat. This was an opportunity too good to miss. Armed
with the picture of the tongs I made my way to the performance.

SINGER: (SINGING) So screw you…

SINGER AND CHOIR: (SINGING) Amen.

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE.

DICK: It was a good show, but I feared it was the last time that Larry
would sing.

BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM FOLLOWED BY A SOUND
LIKE A CREAM PIE HITTING A HARD SURFACE.

We found him after the performance on the pavement sixty feet below the window to the
auditorium. He was just breathing.

LARRY: (COUGHS)

DICK: Larry!

LARRY: I didn’t do it.

DICK: Didn't do what?

LARRY: Jump! I was, I was pushed.

DICK: I know Larry, this was too good a job to be yours.

LARRY: Am I going to die?

DICK: As surely as God made little green apples.

LARRY: I, uh, actually subscribe to the theory of evolution.

DICK: Really? Then as surely as little green apples developed over millions of years from a single
celled common ancestor.

LARRY: (COUGHS) That…wow…um…sounds, sounds really incredibly
implausible.

DICK: Well yes, I guess it does.

LARRY: Is there anything…in the middle?

DICK: Looks like a fence post.

LARRY: Not me, I mean, I meant evolution and, uh, creationism.

DICK: Possibly a looming war, anyway I have the picture of the tongs.

LARRY: You must look closely....... aaargghhhh.

BUCKET BEING KICKED.

DICK: It was too late, he’s gone. The Lemming had taken his last plunge and met his end.

THEME SONG UNDERNEATH:

Honestly, the way he fell, he met his end and kissed it goodbye. As a mark of respect at his
funeral, they lowered his coffin into the ground from fifty feet up.

So, there was something with the tongs and people were ready to kill for it.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Cheng, Thomas
Taufan, Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones