Getting You Home On Friday

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 014 - Caesar, The Archbishop, and a Detective walk into a Bar)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Archbishop, Address)

ORGAN MUSIC IN CATHEDRAL.

ANNOUNCER: And now an address from His Grace, The Archbishop.

ARCHBISHOP: Twenty-three Thirlmeyer St, Rothbury, 2813.

ANNOUNCER: Thankyou Archbishop.

ORGAN MUSIC.

(On the Roman Nose, Here Kitty, Kitty)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF
HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

And now to the Colosseum!

CROWD CHEERING AGAIN.
To the gallery!

MORE CHEERING.

Row 12

SENSUS: Get on with it.

VOICE: Did you want the weather?

CROWD: (BOOING)

CAESAR: Excellent seats, Sensus, but why here and not in my box?

SENSUS: Another assassination attempt, my Lord.

CAESAR: I see. And who's in my place?

SENSUS: No, Hoo couldn't make it. But we slipped in your Cousin Alfredo.

CAESAR: The priest?

SENSUS: Yes, Pastor Alfredo.

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: What was that, Sensus?

SENSUS: A Mexican wave.

CAESAR: Are they any good?

SENSUS: They have their ups and downs.

CROWD CHEERING AGAIN.

CAESAR: So what is on tonight?

SENSUS: Perverts versus lions.

CAESAR: Not the Christians?

SENSUS: No my Lord, we like to vary the lion's diet.

CAESAR: I see.

LIKE THE AMERICAN BASEBALL, A BUGLE SOUND AND THEN A
CRY FROM THE CROWD.

VOICE: (PA): Lords, ladies and gentlemen, eunuchs, courtesans,
Thespians, Lesbians, Cretans and Bedpans, get ready to rumble.

CROWD CHEER.

(PA): In the red corner, sporting claws, fangs and a ferocious
appetite, man's best friend, the Lions!

CROWD CHEER.

(PA): And in the blue corner, recently arrested for acts against
the bovine, the Neapolitan Perverts.

BOOING AND HISSING.

CAESAR: What's their form like?

SENSUS: The perverts are coming off a big win last week.

CAESAR: Who were they up against?

SENSUS: The Lepers of Lesbos.

CAESAR: I thought they were good.

SENSUS: No, their form dropped right off.

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: And the lions?

SENSUS: They had a big win over the team from the Oracle of Delphi.

CAESAR: I guess they didn't see that coming?

BOTH: (LAUGHING)

CAESAR: Where is the smart money?

SENSUS: Generally, kept in one's pocket.

CAESAR: Indeed!

SENSUS: This looks good, the perverts are making their move.

PERVERT 1: Here kitty, kitty, kitty. You like a lolly?

LION ROARS AND CROWD CHEER.

VOICE: (PA): Lions one perverts nil.

CAESAR: Oh, this looks like it will be over soon.

PERVERT 2: I’m a friend of your Mum’s.......

LION ROARS AND CROWD CHEER.

VOICE: (PA): Lions two perverts nil.

APPLAUSE.

SENSUS: Really, no contest.

CAESAR: So, what is next?

SENSUS: The Eunuchs of Umbria versus the Vestal Virgins of the Temple of Venus.

CAESAR: That does not sound like a fair contest.

SENSUS: Oh, not so my Lord, they have met once before.

CAESAR: Really?

SENSUS: Yes. If you cast your mind back to your wedding day. The Eunuchs took on the Vestal Virgins at
the reception orgy.

CAESAR: Oohhh, that's right the big hairy brutes.

SENSUS: That's them.

CAESAR: Fighting the Eunuchs.

SENSUS: That's it.

CAESAR: From memory an eight-hour pillow fight broken by one simple, superb
bitch slap.

SENSUS: It was a beauty.

CAESAR: Glorious.

CROWD CHEERING AND LION ROARING.
THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Adhere)

THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH.

DICK: Fish Friday’s never been the same. Not since the Cod Piece Murderer began ravaging the city.
Each victim with a fish finger wedged in one of their orifices. Sickening. Those golden
crumbed goods used as weapons as calling cards…their crisp outside, their fleshy
inside…mmm…yes…sickening….scarily salivating at the thought of dinner I went to see the
Doc about the latest victim found in an alley just off sixth and seven-eighths streets.

SLIDING DOORS.

DOC: Dick.

DICK: Doc. What can you tell me?

DOC: It's the same person. The modus operandi is the same.

DICK: I met a girl with a modus operandi and it scared the…

DOC: No, Dick…

DICK: That, Doc, was the problem.

DOC: No. Stop and listen. Dick, the methodology was the same. The
victim had a fish finger inserted here.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: In her left ear, eh?

DOC: Yes, at first I thought it was a herring aid.

PIN DROPPING.

DICK: Don't ever do that again.

DOC: Sorry Dick, it was irresistible. What do you make of the new Captain Hickory?

DICK: Sounds like he has ears everywhere.

DOC: And eyes. He told me that he didn't like our relationship and that he
would review my position if it persisted.

DICK: Eh, don't be too worried.

DOC: Really?

DICK: I think it is Hickory Trickery Doc.

PIN DROPPING.

DOC: Don't ever do that again.

DICK: Can't guarantee it, Doc.

DOC: Anyway, whilst you are here, how about a nice cup of coffee?

DICK: Sounds great. What's on his arm?

DOC: I think he was suffering from an infection to a prior wound. It really is
quite infected, note the swelling, the colouring, the texture…

SQUIRT OF SAUCE BOTTLE.

DICK: I see.

DOC: Now, with the coffee, how about some lovely custard tarts?

DICK: Excellent!

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

I finished the Doc's excellent custard tart and headed over to the
crime scene. An old friend was on duty. He’d been on the force a long
time and never made it past Constable. Despite his faults, Constable
Adhere was a good old stick.

ADHERE: Top of de morning to yer Dick.

DICK: It's night, Adhere.

ADHERE: So it is. I'll amend my report, presently.

DICK: What seems to have happened?

ADHERE: Well it seems that this fellow was walking down the street like this.

HIGH HEELS ON CONCRETE.

And he saw the body of the deceased victim being in a state of
lifelessness right there where his mortal remains were laid out,
inanimate like, to rest in peace in a corpse like manner.

DICK: Was he dead?

ADHERE: Slightly.

DICK: And what did he do when he found the body?

ADHERE: He riffled through the pockets for money and then made an
anonymous phone call to the police on a prepaid phone using a pen
name.

DICK: Which was?

ADHERE: Biro.

DICK: And you know where he is now?

ADHERE: No. Shortly after making the phone call on his mobile using that
phone booth over there, he ran out.

DICK: So Biro ran out. Can you trace his mobile?

ADHERE: No sir, I failed art at school.

DICK: Right.

ADHERE: We dusted the phone booth for prints.

DICK: And?

ADHERE: As soon as we dusted, throngs of people descended on us with straws
and sniffed it up. But we did get one print.

DICK: Really?

ADHERE: Yes, it was of the Mona Lisa. Oh and Dick there was a phone number
of a girl written in the phone booth.

DICK: Now we’re getting somewhere. What was her name?

ADHERE: Let me see I have it written down here.

PAPER BEING TURNED IN A NOTEBOOK.

ADHERE: Ah yes, it was Flora.

DICK: And the surname?

ADHERE: Ring.

DICK: Really?

ADHERE: Yes Dick, its Flora Goodtime Ring.

(PAUSE)

DICK: That's fine, thank you Adhere.

THEME SONG PLAYS UNDER:

It was at this point that I knew why he never made it past Constable.

THEME OUT.

Credits:

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan,
Cheng.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.
END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones