Getting You Home On Friday

Intro:

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 013 - Push Bikes, Smokes and one Deliciously Cranky Captain)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(News, Push Bikes)

THEME SONG IN.

News Anchor: Good afternoon. In breaking news today the Government has
released its report of the investigation of the sub-committee into the
workings of the external study relating to public transport. The
Premier has stated that upon its release, it ran over the hill and has
not returned since. He has, however promised to launch a full and
thorough investigation when a panel of six honourable members have
considered how best to form a task force.

Daniel Arson was arrested today on the train to Central for not having
an appropriate ticket, being purchased for the day before. He was
later released without charge when his claim that the train was
twenty-five hours late, was verified.

The Lord Mayor has defended her call for more people to ride push
bikes to work even after she ploughed three down in her stretch
limousine.

The minister for transport has defended his performance as minister
by stating that all the buses are running on time. When asked “what
time?” he conceded January, 1998.

In a move to privatise the ferry service the Government will float a
new company which, it has been pointed out, is better than half the
fleet. Max Forsnic the head of the union has stated that they will fight
the move every step of the way and commenced a slowdown in
protest two weeks ago. However, to date, no one has seen a
difference.

And now to the regional weather with Jack Smith. Well Jack what is
the forecast?

JACK: Dry.

NEWS ANCHOR: Anything else?

JACK: Nup.

NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, Jack. Stay tuned for more news and weather coming up
soon.

THEME SONG.

(Ed & Ted, Giving up the Smokes)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: I had written him a letter, and for the want of better knowledge
posted it. It is somewhere out there as we speak probably destined to
show up next century as a curiosity. So come with me to where life in
the outback is so slow that the locals need dusting.

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

TED: Ed.

ED: Ted.

TED: 'ow are yer?

ED: Not bad. An' you?

TED: Not bad.

ED: Expecting rain.

TED: So they say.

ED: Apparently a good drop, though.

TED: Really?

ED: Oh, yeah.

TED: When's it due?

ED: Next year.

TED: That close?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Well.

ED: Well what?

TED: Well, I'd better ring the missus to get the washing in.

ED: Yeah.

TED: Ed?

ED: Yeah Mate.

TED: 'Ow yer goin'…..

ED: Not bad.

TED: I do wish yer'd stop interruptin' me sentences.

ED: Sorry mate.

TED: 'ow yer going givin' up the smokes?

ED: The smokes?

TED: Smokes?

ED: Oh, the smokes. Well I went to a ‘ypnotherapist guy.

TED: What's one of them when 'es at 'ome?

ED: An 'ypnotherapist, like?

TED: Yeah.

ED: Well, 'e makes yer drowsy like and then suggest things to yeh to make
yer quit smokin'.

TED: Yeh, made sure yeh wallet was there at the end?

ED: Too right. I strapped it to me leg.

TED: Good move.

ED: So I goes in there and he does 'is bit.

TED: And what 'ed say?

ED: 'e said, "Come in Ed".

TED: Yeah, I gathered that. But what 'e say when ya give up the smokes?

ED: Apparently 'e said that every time I lit one up all I’d taste is wet dog fur.

TED: Strueth!

ED: Yeah, too right.

TED: So you given up the smokes?

ED: Nah.

TED: So the hypno-whatever didn't work?

ED: Nah, works like a charm. I jist like the taste of wet dog fur.

AMBIENCE AND STOCK WHIP.

THEME OUT.

(Dick Clever, Captain Hickory)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 4:16 on a Friday. It was only recently, the 3rd of the 4th, or the 4th of
the 3rd, that I can recall the first murder and how horrified we all
were. I walked into my office.......

PERSON WALKING INTO A FILING CABINET.

Cabinet. I then remembered that there were changes afoot and the cabinet was indeed a foot
to the left. There was a new man in charge of the division, Captain Hickory. A college graduate
with limited street time and an ear of the Commissioner. Sounds disgusting...

KNOCKING ON DOOR.

It was then that Sergeant Kransky rolled into my office.

DOOR OPENING AND THEN CLOSING.

Sergeant, what can I do for you?

KRANSKY: Captain wants to see you right away and he doesn't keep like he waits
to be sounding.

DICK: I think you mean, it doesn't sound like he likes to be kept waiting.

KRANKSY: That's what I said.

JAZZ HORN.

DICK: It was at this point that I had reservations about the Sergeant's
intelligence.

DOORBELL.
I made my way to the Captain's office. At 4:56 I knocked on his door.

JAZZ HORN OUT. DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

HICKORY: Come in.

DICK: You wanted to see me, Captain Hickory?

HICKORY: Ah, the esteemed Detective Clever.

DICK: Call me Dick.

HICKORY: I’ve looked at your record detective.

DICK: Call me Dick.

HICKORY: There’s a lot left to be desired, detective.

DICK: Please call me Dick?

HICKORY: Your record is appalling Clever.

DICK: You're not going to call me Dick, are you?

HICKORY: Look at this,

HITTING OF PAPER.

three hundred and fifteen assault allegations.

DICK: That's not so bad.

HICKORY: From the same man?

DICK: He was slow to move.

HICKORY: Your paperwork is twelve months behind, detective.

DICK: Only a year?

HICKORY: Twelve months behind last year's reports, detective.

DICK: Please, call me Dick.

HICKORY: Although the men admire you, everyone in command thinks you're a Neanderthal,
detective.

DICK: I understand. So, do you have a problem with calling me the name Dick?

HICKORY: You are a loose cannon......

DICK: A rebel?

HICKORY: (DRAMATICALLY) No, a cliche!

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: There I was, defenceless, sitting in my trench coat, hat, dark glasses
and a leather thong, just as so many before me and he still wouldn't
call me Dick.

HICKORY: Well, Detective....

DICK: Call me Dick.

HICKORY: What do you have to say for yourself?

DICK: I get results.

HICKORY: That's something that holds no weight in this new police force. You
are yesterday's man, detective

DICK: Dick? Just once, say Dick.

HICKORY: You are the legacy of a bygone era. A lingering scent after the meal, a
drifting cloud in a godless sky. From now on, I will be keeping a close
eye on you, Detective Clever.

DICK: Or Dick, feel comfortable with whatever suits.

HICKORY: One step out of line, I will have your badge.

DICK: The one with my name on it, oh, look it says Dick!

HICKORY: Get out of my sight you festering weasel!

DICK: Okay. Well. Have a good weekend, Captain.

DOOR OPENING.

Go on, just say it once…

HICKORY: Out!

DOOR SLAMMING. THEME SONG.

DICK: With the Commissioner's ear and the Captain’s eye I was wondering if
he had a voucher for the city morgue. I headed back to my office.

PERSON WALKING INTO A FILING CABINET.

Damn that cabinet, but to work. The Cod Piece Murders had to be
solved, where do you start when you’re so horribly tangled in the middle?

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Hester van der Vyver, Cheng, Nate, Thomas Taufan,
Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones