Getting You Home On Friday

Intro:
(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 012 - Introducing our Private Dick!)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(Dick Clever, episode 1, Dick and Doc)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDER THE FOLLOWING:

DICK: 3:15pm Friday afternoon of the 22nd. I make my way down to the
forensic laboratory where Doc Prodder is finalising the results of
the autopsy of the fifth victim in a string of brutal, sick and graceless
killings. The Cod Piece Murders.

MENACING CHORD.

So named because each of the victims were found with a fish finger in
their ear. Christmas was not going to be the same..... this year.

SLIDING DOOR OPENING, THEN DICK WALKING IN.

DOC: Ah, there you are Dick.

DICK: What have you got for me, Doc?

DOC: Male, fifty, maybe fifty-five.

DICK: Time….

DOC: 3:16.

DICK: Of Death?

DOC: My apologies. Approximately fifteen days, it is a little hard to tell.

DICK: What’s that smell?

DOC: Do you like it?

DICK: It’s a little unusual, but I could get used to it.

DOC: Excellent, it is a little lavender and rosemary. It helps to relax and
stimulate the grey cells.

COFFEE MACHINE AND STEAMER STARTING UP.

Yes, time of death is a little sketchy, laying in salty water, for so long.

(PAUSE)

Coffee, Dick?

DICK: Oh, thanks Doc.

DOC: Cappuccino?

DICK: Latte.

DOC: Course.

DICK: Thanks.

POURING OF COFFEE, CLINK OF SPOON.

DOC: Here you are.

DICK: Tah, Doc.

DOC: If you look at the decomposed organs....

SIPPING OF COFFEE.

Particularly the liver...

MORE SIPPING.

Not too strong?

DICK: Nah, just right thanks. Oh yeah, it looks eaten.

DOC: Presumably fish. The left kidney seems to be missing. Scone?

DICK: Gone?

DOC: No, scone. Would you like a scone with your coffee?

DICK: Thanks Doc!

DOC: And the intestines, well... cream?

DICK: Ah, yes please. Any jam?

DOC: Let me see.

A COUPLE OF JARS BEING MOVED IN A CUPBOARD.

DOC: Raspberry?

DICK: Lovely. Cause of death?

DOC: Yes, I think that is easy to determine. A gunshot blast to the back of the head at very, very
close range.

SIPPING.

DICK: Explains the decapitation. Is this a mocha blend, Doc?

DOC: Very astute, Dick. Oh careful, you got some on you...

DICK: Jam?

DOC: No...

FINGERS ON MATERIAL SCRATCHING A LITTLE.

DOC: I've got it.

LICKING FINGERS.

DICK: Anything else? A fish finger perhaps?

DOC: No. But using this analyser, we can pick up minute traces of crumbs
and cod in the ear.

DICK: Rear?

DOC: Ear.

DICK: Right…anything else?

DOC: Well yes. It's a question of mousse…

DICK: Trampled by?

DOC: No. Chocolate or coffee?

DICK: Chocolate, thanks Doc. You can't beat a classic.

DOC: Lovely.

THEME PLAYING UNDER:

DICK: At 5:05 and one kilo heavier, I left the Doc. Who could possibly be perpetrating this style of
murder? Would they strike again before Christmas? Was Doc going to make his famous
eggnog? Only time could tell and she was as tight lipped as a baby with broccoli.

THEME OUT.

(Short Skit, Doctor)

FUNKY ELEVATOR MUSIC. THEN A BUZZ.

SECRETARY: Mr. Jenkins, you can go through now.

JENKINS: Oooh, ah, thank you.

DOOR OPENING.

DOCTOR: Ah, come in, come in Mr. ah.... Jenkins, that's it, Jenkins. Oh, you do
look like you have problems.

JENKINS: Yes, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Have you been bent over this way for long?

JENKINS: Just this morning, I…

DOCTOR: Is there any pain?

JENKINS: Well a little discomfort.

DOCTOR: I think your back…

JENKINS: It's not my back.

DOCTOR: Now listen my good man. I am the Doctor, and you are the patient, you've probably jumped on
the internet and come up with some explanation…

JENKINS: No... I…

DOCTOR: Remember, I am the professional. Okay?

JENKINS: Yes. But I…

DOCTOR: Now, you are bent over…

JENKINS: Because…

DOCTOR: Shhhh. let me do the surmising here. I would say your fourth
vertebrae has…

JENKINS: No…

DOCTOR: Tut, you'll need an operation. I will refer you to a great surgeon,
Dr. Throgmayer, he will…

JENKINS: Ah, Doctor, that is unnecessary…

DOCTOR: Damn it man, let me do my job!

JENKINS: My tie is caught in my fly.

DOCTOR: Pardon?

JENKINS: The reason I am doubled over is that my tie is caught in my fly.

DOCTOR: Ah. I can't do much for that.

JENKINS: No, I guess you can't.

DOCTOR: I could refer you to my tailor, but you won't get much back on
Medicare.

JENKINS: No, that will be fine.

DOCTOR: Well, what did you want to see me about, if not for this?

JENKINS: Well, I get a pain whenever I do this...

CLICKING OF THE JOINT.

DOCTOR: I see.

JENKINS: What can you recommend?

DOCTOR: That you don't do it.

JENKINS: That's brilliant! Thank you.

DOCTOR: That will be $120.

CASH REGISTER.

JENKINS: Oh, um, thank you.

DOCTOR: My pleasure, I am always here to help.

JENKINS: By the way, nice shoes.

DOCTOR: Thank you for noticing!

DOOR OPENS, FUNKY ELEVATOR MUSIC, DOOR CLOSES.

(Ed & Ted, Compliments)

THEME SONG: GENTLE GUITAR STUMMING AND WHISTLING.

NARRATOR: There was movement at the station, which is remarkable as the State
Government had shut down the train line. You couldn't catch a cold
on a rainy platform in winter. The last time anything passed was
when they told the old Station Master he was out of the job. So come
for a jaunt down the track to this broken promised land...

THEME SONG FADES OUT.

TED: Ed.

ED: Ted.

TED: What's new?

ED: Not much... an you?

TED: 'bout the same.

ED: How's the missus?

TED: Same ol', same ol'. An' yours?

ED: 'aven't 'eard.

TED: She still not talking to yer?

ED: Yeah.

TED: Whatch ya say…

ED: Yeah?

TED: I do wish you'd let me finish me sentences.

ED: Sorry, Ted.

TED: Whatch ya say to so offend 'er?

ED: 'oo?

TED: The wife.

ED: Oh, 'er.

TED: Yeah 'er.

ED: I paid 'er a compliment like.

TED: Compliment?

ED: Yeah, straight up and down compliment.

TED: Strueth.

ED: Yeah, she took it all arse end up an' I'm in the dog 'ouse. Been in a
huff ever since.

TED: What was it?

ED: A huff? Yeh know, an' expression like…

TED: No, I knows what an 'uff is, like. The compliment, Ed.

ED: Oh, that.

TED: Yeah.

ED: Well, she comes out for the dance t'other night.

TED: At the Johnson's?

ED: Yeah. She was dolled up to the nines and such…

TED: And...

ED: Brand new dress and everthin'. Real colourful like.

TED: Yeah?

ED: An' I sez, Jeez that looks good on yeh.

TED: Is that all?

ED: And then, I sez, ya know, yer look jist like ya dear ol' Mum.

TED: Strueth!

(PAUSE)

ED: I mean, where's the 'arm in that, mate?

TED: Strueth!

ED: I mean 'er ol' mum was quite the looker in 'er day.

TED: Too right! Good cook, too.

ED: I mean 'er father were always turned out well, so she was quite the
dutiful one, too.

TED: She was fierce ol' milker too, was ol' Matilda.

ED: Great with the brandin'.

TED: Had a marvellous right 'ook from memory.

ED: That's 'er. Jist can't understand the women folk these days.

TED: Yeah, blowed if I know mate. Jist can't take a compliment.

CROW CAWS AND THEN GUNSHOT.
THEME OUT.
(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Cheng, Gavin Jones, Thomas Taufan,
Linda Chong.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.
END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones

Credits for Getting You Home On Friday – Episode 12

Written by Michael Jones
Directed by Iley Jones
Sound Recording, Editing and Mixing by Eliot Quentin
Composed by Mike Jones
Post Production by Bass Mike Studios
Additional Writing and Editing by Iley Jones
Additional Music sourced by Bass Hathaway
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

DC001: Dick and Doc
Voiced by: Nate Gothard as Dick Clever
Cheng as Doc Prodder

SS003: Doctor
Voiced by: Gavin Jones as Doctor
Thomas Taufan as Jenkins
Linda Chong as Secretary

ET006: Compliments
Voiced by: Nate Gothard as Ed
Cheng as Ted
Thomas Taufan as Narrator