Getting You Home On Friday

INTRO

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 010 - Prophecy, Fate and the odd Bogey)

INTRO SONG

DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday!

INTRO OUT

(On the Roman Nose, Clemency)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: Prophecy, fate…what is it all about Sensus?

SENSUS: In what way, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: How things come to be, how we shape our world. Or the ways in which the world shapes us.
Fates woven long ago to simply be played out upon the stage for all to witness with no true
will of our own?

SENSUS: Rather deep this morning my Lord. I haven’t had my coffee yet.

CAESAR: I can remember when Sorcerous Claudius said that I was going to be
hit by a chariot.

SENSUS: I don't think that really counts Caesar.

CAESAR: And why not?

SENSUS: He was driving it.

CAESAR: True. But great foresight.

SENSUS: His glasses were thick.

CAESAR: Remember that old hag, you know the ugly one with bad breath.

SENSUS: Your mother-in-law?

CAESAR: Yes, that's her. (SPOOKILY) "Beware the Ides of March"

SENSUS: (CHUCKLING) Beware, beware! ..... Wasn't she waving around a
snake?

CAESAR: (HAVING A CHUCKLE ) Yes, fell right on her asp. Silly old goat.

(BEAT)

Well I guess I did take heed by cancelling the acupuncture
appointment.

SENSUS: (CHUCKLING) Yes and locking yourself in the larder for a day or two.

CAESAR: (DRYLY) Well, we won't get too public with that, will we Sensus? Anyway, what’s on today’s
agenda? What have the fates got in store for us today?

SENSUS: A dispute.

CAESAR: (SIGHS) Oh, not another one.

SENSUS: Shall I bring them in?

CAESAR: Are they clean?

SENSUS: We had them sent out this morning.

CAESAR: Very well, bring them in.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Noxious the Butcher and Centurion Bacchusup.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Noxious the Butcher and Centurion Bacchusup!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Nosewipe the Buttkiss and Scent Urine Backsup please
report to Lord Caesar.

FOOTSTEPS OF TWO LARGE MEN APPROACHING DRAGGING
SOMETHING LARGE.

CAESAR: Get that fixed Sensus

SENSUS: Neutered?

CAESAR: As you please.

FOOTSTEPS STOP.

Good gods, what is that?

CENTURION: It is evidence, Lord Caesar.

SENSUS: It’s a pony!

CENTURION: Yes, that is correct.

CAESAR: Forgive me for asking this Centurion, but is it ill?

SENSUS: Perhaps a little horse?

CAESAR: Very nice, Sensus.

CENTURION: It is in fact a deceased pony.

CAESAR: Apart from the stench, what is your grievance?

CENTURION: Well. At approximately 9:15 am yesterday being the fifth instant…

SENSUS: Get on with it....

CENTURION: I apprehended this man, Noxious the Butcher, trying to sell said pony, without the proper
permit and authorisation.

CAESAR: What do you have to say for yourself, Noxious?

CENTURION: He cannot speak, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: How so?

CENTURION: Last year on October the 15th, being a Saturday evening…

SENSUS: Get on with it.

CENTURION: (PLAINTIVELY) I was building to a climax.

CAESAR: Get to the point.

CENTURION: He stated treacherous remarks about Caesar him very self. In your
infinite mercy you had his oral muscle cut out and thrown to the lions.

CAESAR: Ah, so cat got your tongue then?

(PAUSE)

CAESAR (CONT’D): So, Centurion, what do you charge him with? Selling a pony
without a permit?

CENTURION: No, Lord Caesar. For flogging a dead horse.

CAESAR: Feed them to the lions.

SENSUS: Noxious the Butcher and the horse?

CAESAR: And the Centurion.

SENSUS: Can we show them Clemency?

CAESAR: Oh, you are such a softy, Sensus. Very Well.

CURTAIN OPENING.

CAESAR: Well there he is, Arthur Clemency.

CLEMENCY: Hellloooooo there boys...

SENSUS: That's it off you go. I owed him one sighting.

CAESAR: Of course. Have to pay our creatives exposure every now and
again.

BOTH: (LAUGHS)

THEME OUT.

(Short Skit - Bogey)

SOUNDS OF A FIGHTER JET FLYING, SWEEPING INTO THE
NIGHT.

PILOT: (OVER A HEADSET. STATIC) Bogey at three o’clock.

CO-PILOT: (OVER A HEADSET) Sorry about that, chief. It’s this damn cold.

(Paranormal Patrol, Lady Loosely's Head, E10)

THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY
BASS AND SYNTH.

VOICE OVER: In the last amazing episode of Paranormal Patrol, the team wrapped up their
investigation of the old abandoned gaol at Lady Loosley's Head and start to review the
evidence.....

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Okay let's start to review the evidence.

COMPUTER GLITCHING / CRASHING NOISE.

Buster!

VOICE OVER: And in this week’s mind-blowing episode John and Pete tell the gaols
caretaker Mary Widda the results.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Okay, what do we have?

PETRA: Well we have the footage of the E.M.F readings in the room where they found Lady
Loosley's head.

JOHN: Did you get her asking us to leave?

PETRA: No babes, it seems that the recorder was blown into another room.

PETE: Really?

PETRA: Several rooms away. It’s a team record actually.

JOHN: Thanks Petra. What do you have for us Buster? Besides bruises.

BUSTER: Well, I have audio of Pete tap dancing and someone clapping....

PETE: Oh excellent, was I in time?

JOHN: Focus. And what else do you have?

PETRA: Oh, we have this audio a little later.... have a listen.

JOHN: Okay.

LIQUID HITTING THE GROUND.

BUSTER: It sounds like a bucket of water.

JOHN: Yeah, that's when we first saw Lady Loosley's head and Pete lost
control of his bladder.

BUSTER: Cool.

JOHN: I don't think that that could be classed as evidence.

PETE: Or cool.

JOHN: Right.

PETRA: We also have isolated footage from the Thicc…Thermonuclear Camera
which shows the officer catching his thumb in the door, screaming
and then swearing.

JOHN: Excellent.

PETRA: And we managed to get two really good images of Buster being hit by
the stool.

BUSTER: What?

PETRA: Absolutely, clear as crystal.

BUSTER: You didn't tell me you took….

PETRA: And I have a photograph of Buster's face with both markings of
Nawait ni Edam and doowdrah Eniuneg.

JOHN: Fantastic.

BUSTER: Do you really have to show her…

JOHN: It is evidence.

BUSTER: But…

PETRA: Like the footage of you looking at Jeans behind, babes.

PETE: Really good evidence.

JOHN: And frankly, it’s damn funny.

SCARY MUSIC.

(ASIDE) So we wrapped up all the evidence and then we went over to
See the Caretaker Mary Widda.

SCARY MUSIC.

MARY: Hi John, Pete.

JOHN: Mary, how are you going?

MARY: Fine.

PETE: Oh I like your blouse.

MARY: I like your nipples.

JOHN: Ahem. Have you had any more activity since we've been here?

MARY: Oh a few things, especially the nausea in the canteen area.

JOHN: Okay. You saw what we did. We came in, you showed us the areas of
Then highest unexplained activity and then we set up our equipment to try to capture
something.

MARY: That's right.

PETE: Now we can debunk some claims, straight away.

MARY: Really?

PETE: Yes. The nausea in the canteen.

SCARY MUSIC.

MARY: Yes?

PETE: The nausea in the canteen is usually happening around the time of
the egg sandwiches?

MARY: That's right.

PETE: Well, we captured this on camera.

MARY: Oh my Lord.

JOHN: Yes, it seems the chef doesn't peel the eggs, first.

PETE: And well, Mary that's enough to make any hardened sailor seasick.

MARY: Absolutely.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Now some things we couldn't explain. Here have a listen to this. This
was in the marble room where people haven't been hearing the
footsteps on the carpet that is no longer there.

MARY: Right.

TAP DANCING AND THEN CLAPPING.

PETE: Mary, I did a little tap dance and someone gave me a little applause.

MARY: That's really interesting.

PETE: Why?

MARY: You're not the first one to be clapped out.

JOHN: See Pete?

PETE: Bitch.

SCARY MUSIC.

JOHN: Now Mary we do have footage from our Thermonuclear Camera
which captures heat signals. Here take a look. This is the front door to
the gaol, you see the guard, he slams the door, with his thumb, he
screams and then swears.

RECORDING OF SAILOR’S MUFFLED SWEARING, SLIGHTLY DISTORED.

MARY: Oh that's hilarious.

JOHN: We thought so too..... but we have more here for you on the infra-red
camera. This is down in the cell where the shadows appears in the left
hand corner.

MARY: Because buggar all happens in the right hand corner?

JOHN: That’s it.

MARY: What am I looking at?

JOHN: Well something or someone throws a chair at Buster our lead
technician.

CHAIR AND BUSTER SCREAMING (DISTORTED).

JOHN: Then we have this EVP

GHOST: (SLIGHTLY DISTORTED) Twenty-five.

JOHN: Then after this, he hits Buster again with a stool or chair.

CHAIR AND SCREAMING (DISTORTED).

JOHN: And the E.V.P.

GHOST: (SLIGHTLY DISTORTED) Twenty-six

MARY: Ohh, he seems to be counting...

JOHN: That's what we thought. And here's a picture of Buster.

MARY: And what's this lettering, are they curses?

JOHN: It's not a curse, it's Made in Taiwan and Genuine Hardwood
backwards.

MARY: Oh that's funny.

PETE: We thought so.

JOHN: We also had several personal experiences including seeing Lady
Loosley's head.

MARY: Really. So with the voice recordings, the Thermonuclear footage, the
infrared footage of that fellow being hit in the head, the E.V.P, the
clapping and seeing Lady Loosley's head, do you think that the old
abandoned goal of Lady Loosley's Head is haunted?

JOHN: Mary, I'm not sure. I think I'd like to get more evidence before I could
say for sure.

THEME IN.

VOICE OVER: On the next incredible adventure the team investigate the incredibly
Haunted, wonderfully terrifying, Shabby Seagull Inn. So join us next
time on Paranormal Patrol.

CHAIR, AND THUNK AND SCREAM.

GHOST: Twenty-seven, hehehehehehe.

THEME OUT.

(Credits)

LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan, Cheng, Linda Chong, Gavin Jones.

Thank you for Listening.

THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones